The Pearl

When did “present moment living” take up residence? I’m not certain. During the past two years it’s dropped in and visited. Unexpectedly at first, but a welcome surprise of unparalleled experience. It’s like the infatuation stage of love. Everything looks different, smells different, tastes different, colors shine brighter, meaning becomes obvious, street signs look foreign and new, the world opens before your eyes in a way it has never done before. Did I mention the peacefulness? Oh it is truly blissful I’ll even say “to die for.” Turns out you don’t have to.

I want it to stay forever when it comes, but like a rootless drifter it arrives and leaves on its own schedule. Eventually, I do start sensing its pending arrival. I notice the signs and start inviting it with my best “come hither” and am blessed with remarkable experiences of vividly amazing days that eventually grow into weeks. But still it continues to slip away in the night without so much as a post-it note. But now my unpredictable houseguest/friend has officially moved in and I couldn’t be happier, seriously, no seriously! Its presence is glaringly obvious this holiday season.

I no longer argue with the reality of “what is.” Bob had surgery. I’m not a hero or superhuman. Yes, I am brave and happy for that. But I don’t have to attach a story to it, I simply experience it, lived it, and it’s manageable. Just like not going home for Christmas. Several times, I have been tempted to attach a story to it like that “for fifty-seven years I've spent the holidays with my family” making it BIG. But when I'm present and experience it without a story, it’s not big or sad. It’s actually very peaceful. Like the oyster, I have rubbed up against enough sand that a metamorphosis has occurred and something beautiful has been created inside of me. I always thought acceptance involved the surrendering of your power. It turns out that it involves the surrendering of your stories and the acceptance of your power. “Who knew?

Renaissance

I rarely see the first light of day. I’m not against it, but my natural circadian rhythm wakes me at seven thirty when the sun has made her debut and is already ascending in the morning sky. On those rare days when I do occasion a glimpse of her first rise, I know I have witnessed something truly spectacular, a birth, a new beginning.

I am seeing my own sunrise right now. On the horizon her beauty greets me more brightly each day. She emerges wondrous and whole, a perfect arc arching forward. Her appearance not coincidental, designed, desired, and now required by me. Her presence arrives as beautifully as a bird’s melodic call filling my ears with joyful songs.

It is my calling, my soul’s reach. A hand offered a hand taken, pulling me out of my past into the present where all power lives to create my future. I have answered the call and I smile now, not for the world to see, but for me.

A DIFFERENT OF HO HO HO

Just as I’ve steel myself to resist store ads that create a need that before was not there, I find myself weakly resisting my need/want to be with our families for Christmas.

This is BIG I realize as I lay in bed a little tearful upon waking this morning. I’ve spent EVERY Christmas Day that I have been on this planet (57 years) in Ohio having dinner with my mother and Bob and I have spent EVERY Christmas Eve partying with his family for 30 years. THAT”S BIG!

Bob’s sinus surgery was the impetus. No matter how many times or who I asked (even the doctor right before surgery) the answer was always the same “no travel for three weeks.” So I guess they mean it!

I accept it and even embrace it as my opportunity to change and grow. I always encourage others to “dance that dance” now it is my turn. My life has changed a lot in 57 years but my traditions haven’t.

Matt is grown now living in Florida with his own family and wonderful in-laws that love him. We’re in California new grandparents to Sophia down in Florida with a second home there. I think it’s time to challenge our habits and examine our traditions to find the best way to fit EVERYONE we love in. It is as HARD as you can imagine it would be.

All you people in Ohio, don’t fear, I’m already missing you and the holiday isn’t even here yet. You ARE and always will be an important piece of my life. I love you! But creating a life and traditions with Matt, Sarah and Sophia are important to us now, too.

A treasured place in our hearts is not as good as a spot at the table for Christmas Dinner, I realize that, but some years it may have to do. It sounds so logical when I write it, BUT boy does it yank HARD on the heartstrings.

It may not be on the same days or nights that we have celebrated with you in the past, but I hope to see you sometime every Christmas season. This year a healthy Bob IS my Christmas Wish and the place I’m devoting all of my energy. My first California Christmas.....wonder what that will bring?