My Wish

I missed my leather loveseat, the one I curl up on to think and veg. I missed the blue sky and abundant sunshine visible from my loveseat perch. I missed the multitude of things here that make me, me.

If I could pack them all up (sunshine included) and bring them back to Ohio, I’d be on the next plane, because NOW I miss all of you!

All of you who laugh and cry with me, celebrate and commiserate with me, witness my resolution or revolution (depending on the day).

Walking my own path and creating my future while staying true to my past is one of my greatest challenges. I hope you all KNOW and FEEL the love, care, and respect I have for you. You are my family, my friends, my heart.

My wish for everyone in 2009 is for moments of joy like no other, bright eyes that reflect that joy back into the world, and an open heart to embrace all that we can do and be.

Happy New Year!

♥Caren

Unconditional Love

Rhonda Britten writes in her book Fearless Living about seeing the innocence in all people. I strive to incorporate this principle in my own life. We ALL try to do the best we can every day, and when we can stop imposing our expectations onto each other, we receive a wonderful gift, peace.

Today I was reminded of this lesson, the importance of seeing the innocence in everyone. The hidden benefit of practicing this philosophy is that you also get to experience the innocence in yourself. You learn to forgive your imperfections, applaud your growth, and practice giving yourself unconditional love.

Reflection

Even before I had left Sacramento, I felt myself expanding, and my adventure was just beginning.

I preselected classes, choosing from some old favorites like Gary Zukav and Byron Katie and some presenters new to me like Michael Losier - The Law of Attraction and Toe Reading by K.C. Miller.

The speakers were as varied as the seekers. Class topics included inspiration, gratitude, change, the science of miracles, self-care, the Law of Attraction, stress to strength, shaman healing, brain theory, the Moses Code, positive energy, healing arts, channeling, and talking to the dead.

As I browsed the vendor booths, I was immediately struck by the diversity of interests. To get a jump on one of my planned classes for the next day I got in line for a toe reading. The woman in line behind me read fingerprints, so while we waited she told me what my fingertips revealed. When it was my turn, Laurie, my toe reader was energetic and embraced my feet. Apparently, I have queen and princess qualities (go figure). The only negative was that my pinkies are facing outward which means that I am focused on the future.

The keynote speakers were amazing. Maryanne Williamson was excited about the election as were most presenters. They feel Obama’s election signals a positive shift in the consciousness of the world. Wayne Dyer was inspiring, so entertaining, so human. I was reminded of what originally attracted me to his work back in the 80’s. James Van Praagh was funny, entertaining, and passed on very specific messages from the dead.

I got my own message of sorts, not from the keynote but from a woman a sitting at the end of the row in front of me. She passed me a card that read “You have a big guy fairly bald with you – laughing.” That is a perfect description of my father who has passed, and my mother always says he is probably up there laughing at us.

I found myself engaged, focused, writing, and contemplating ideas the entire weekend. It was a joyous time then and a wonderful treasured memory now.

Off to See the Wizard

I've discovered that the road to insight is a long lifetime journey. Sometimes significant discoveries appear around almost every corner, other times they seem miles, days, even years apart.

One thing I know for sure is that I don’t get to control the timing, instead it is a beautiful dance where I must trust, be lead, and follow.

I’m taking a “road trip” to insight this weekend at the Celebrate Your Life conference in Phoenix sponsored by Oprah & Friends.

Some of the greatest minds in spiritual pursuit and inspirational teaching will be gathered there. Alumni like Wayne Dyer, one of my favorite original self-help gurus dating back to the eighties (remember the 80’s) will be there. Mary Ann Williamson, James Van Praagh and so many other recognizable names in the industry, like Gary Zukav, Michael Losier (contribritor to The Secret), Byron Katie (author of Loving What Is), Cherly Richardson, John Holland, Dr. Jo Dipenza, John Holland and the list goes on and on.

I’ll report back next week on how the dance went.

Instrumental

A friend said to me “when you returned from FL last winter you had a clarity about yourself and your writing” (or something to that effect). I say “something to the effect” because we ALL hear and remember things through our own filters and I have carried this thought around with me for some time considering it.

I was trying to understand and reconcile why I didn’t always operate from that space of clarity gained through discovering “stillness” in Florida.

I rationalized that everyday life calls for all kinds of energy and intensity to achieve goals. But that didn’t quite fit for me. Today, I found my answer. People often describe life by saying you "take two steps forward one step backward." I describe life as as a circle of three steps, "learn, practice, rest." The steps are not always linear, and all three are equally important.

You don’t pick up a violin and play beautiful music immediately, you learn, you practice and then eventually most times when you pick up the instrument you hear a beautiful song.

I AM MY INSTRUMENT. I am learning, practicing, or resting all the time. The more practiced I become, the more beautiful my spirit song, and the closer I get to rediscovering that place of stillness and clarity deep inside me.

Use the Force!

The universe spoke to me and here’s the funny part, I listened. I was trying to figure out why I wasn’t finishing my photo affirmation business website. So, I got really quiet, did some deep breathing, and ask my spirit guide, to guide me. I wasn’t sure I had one, but I knew I wanted one.

I closed my eyes, breathed deeply, listened quietly, and new thoughts floated effortlessly into my mind “You’re not ready yet, when you are ready, it will flow out of you” they said. I hadn’t considered myself “not ready” but it could be. Then the voice in my head said something I didn’t understand. “There is no time.”

I racked my brain turning the phrase over and over again. “No time,” what could that mean? After several confusing moments another thought slid into my consciousness, add the word table to time. I was still confused, but did as I was told. “There is no timetable.”

Aha, I had my answer. When the time was right I would complete my website with ease. I liked the sound of that. So I relaxed and gave myself permission to let the time choose itself. It really was that easy. I believe in the Buddhist proverb "when the student is ready, the teacher will appear."

What happened next was truly amazing. I became motivated beyond belief to work past my final challenges and completed the website in just two weeks, and YES it did “flow” out of me.

In life, as in so many things, a small shift can move a mountain. I was trying to figure out why I wasn’t completing the website, not realizing that the law of attraction was working here. The more I asked why I wasn’t finishing, the more attention and energy I was attracting to NOT finishing.

When I released, trusted and surrendered, I achieved my goal (snaps to me for being able to do that!). I'm happy to announce that the website is up and running, YEAH! Take a look and give me some feedback affirmations4u.com. Smiles, Caren

Is Fear Driving Your Bus?

Okay, I admit it, I still haven't embraced failure as my teacher, but I'm trying. So hard that I've devised this action plan to make me unstoppable.

First, I will accept that NOTHING STANDS BETWEEN ME AND MY DREAM, EXCEPT ME. Nothing's missing. If I want to take a computer class, it’s because I want to, not because I need to. All my answers are right here inside of me.

Second, I’m putting myself on loving notice, “NO MORE DREAM AVOIDING.” “NUT UP OR SHUT UP!” Oh, that doesn't sound very loving does it? But when I saw it on a teenager's tshirt I have to say it really resonated with me

Finally, EVERY DAY instead of focusing on how far from my dream I am. I'll embrace each moment as my teacher and focus on the fact that every step I take brings me one step closer to LIVING MY DREAM.

Should I Stay or Should I Go

As my car approaches a squirrel trying to cross the street, he runs forward a few steps then back a few, forward, back, then after two head fakes he finally returns to his safe spot on the sidewalk. I’m at a loss to help him, heck I don’t even know if I can stay out of his way.

Then I realize I’m just like that squirrel.

I start things with vigor, I dart out into the big world and announce my grand plans, then if an obstacle presents itself or I get scared or afraid, I wonder whether I should turn back or venture on.

Watching the squirrel, I realize he will be okay either way, whether he crosses or not. He just needs to make a commitment. But then again, maybe the squirrel needs to run back and forth a few times until he believes in himself.

Thanks to the squirrel, I’ve decided to go for it. Wish me luck!

Achievement

As we climb atop our mountain enjoying what we’ve done, we glance down toward the past and realize that we’ve won. But as we glance above us for our futures to reveal, we see the place we’re standing is the foot of our next hill.

Inside Out

To give to the world, we must first learn to trust our gifts, instincts, motives, and abilities….completely trust.

When we trust and believe in ourselves the power of our gifts flow out of us changing the world one person, one moment at a time. Don’t underestimate the power of the good in people’s hearts to bring about change, it is enormous.

It doesn’t require grand acts or sweeping gestures. Just do something that you know in your heart is right. That is how to change the world, one small act of goodness at a time.

Dedicate yourself to improvement from the inside out. Search for your own truth, share your higher self with the world, look inside for your answers, and trust that they are there.

The Eyes Have It

There is a HUGE difference between existing and living. We could argue that existing is living and living is existing. But if you have ever looked deep into the eyes of someone merely existing, you would know the difference.

Our eyes broadcast to the world our heart's desires. They are the windows out which our emotions fly long before the brain can censor their comings and goings. Some say they betray us, but I think they reveal us.

In a blink, they flash our emotions. Our joy, pain, fear, love, hope, and excitement all journey out into the world and return with other people’s emotions to feed and nourish our soul. It is this open exchange of energy that creates life in our world.

When someone only exists, their toughened, impenetrable eyes reflect energy instead of sending and receiving it.

To grow you must glow and flow. Open those eyes wide, let yourself shine out into the world and invite the world to shine back into you.

Take a chance, plan, dream, hope, love.....now that is living.

Mucking Around

To be really good at something you have to be willing to be bad at it for a while….we learn by mucking around.

I can study and attempt to assimilate new information, but the truth is I learn by banging on things. By touching, feeling, experiencing, sometimes screwing up, and then most times FINALLY getting it.

In my younger days, my fear of doing anything that wasn’t “perfect” severely limited me. But now, although I still find learning frustrating at times, I persevere and the personal rewards are phenomenal.

I’ve learned that the more frustrated I am the closer I am to a breakthrough and that a certain amount of re-learning is normal, even though I hate it. In my case, the amount of re-learning is fairly substantial, but I accept that.

So lighten up everyone, enjoy the mucking and the next time you are frustrated beyond belief, instead of taking it out on others or even worse yourself, repeat with confidence these words “I must be on the edge of a breakthrough.” If your situation calls for more colorful language, consider adding the word “mucking” before “breakthrough.” That should do it.

A Recipe For Success

Focus on what you know not what you don’t know, what you have, not what you need, and what’s working in your life instead of what isn’t.

I’ve always had trouble giving myself credit for things. My family will laugh because I was the overly confident child with the dramatic showy exterior. I was the “look what I can do” kid, but inside I was a marshmallow. Okay, more like a stale marshmallow with many tough layers, but I had a soft, squishy center.

I work every day to be the best version of myself that I can be. I read, talk, think, challenge, live, explore. I know that I am strong, confident, content, and happy but sometimes still a little voice challenges my convictions whispering doubts in my ear.

But when I focus on all that I know, all that I have, and how wonderful my life is, the whispers exert no power over me and trail off in the wind as quickly as they come. With a deep breath, my center rises up to meet me, cocooning me, hugging and protecting my innermost squishy part, telling me all is well, and that YES I can depend on me.

Path Blockers

I pay way too much attention to what I don’t know about something and don’t give myself enough credit for what I do know.

This part of what is getting in the way of my completing my website. I’m allowing the few things that I don’t know to get in the way of all that I know. Huh, I think this applies to more than just creating my website, but let’s slay one dragon at a time.

Remember in an earlier post when I said you can learn anything if you are willing to spend whatever amount of time it takes to personally learn it? I am at that crossroads asking myself “Is the time I’m spending to learn to create a website worth it to me?”

Like so many things, the answer is yes and no. I get a strong sense of confidence, satisfaction, and pride doing it for myself, but it is taking a lot of time, an inspired thought might be to get a little professional help with the final details. It wouldn't be the first time someone suggested that I get a little professional help:)

I like inspired thoughts!

The Spoon Licking Gene

This keeps coming up for me almost every day, the spoon-licking gene. I am convinced that once the entire genetic code has been completely mapped, there will be a gene responsible for spoon licking, and almost everything else.

My husband is a big time spoon licker and a finisher. Whenever he clears the table after dinner and is putting away the leftovers, he removes the spoon from the bowl and licks it before placing it in the dishwasher. I, on the other hand, only lick spoons containing cookie dough, kind of a girl thing.

He is also a finisher. For some reason this drives me crazy. If there is a little bit left of something in the cupboard, he will finish it. If there is only a little bit left of something, I consider it already finished, and move on. He also, unlike me, is a “clean plater.” I guess opposites do attract.

Last week when my brother-in-law was visiting, I decided to conduct more of my informal research. I asked him “Are you a spoon licker?” He replied “of course, what else would you do?” Okay, that wasn’t very scientific, but they are brothers and I concluded that the gene is definitely apparent and expressed in my husband’s family tree.

Nature versus nurture, environment versus heredity, habit, genetic determination, you be the judge. But until someone proves me wrong, I’m going to believe in the spoon licking gene.

Wake Up Playful Side

There’s a saying that hangs by the door that leads from my garage into my house. It reads “It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.” I wholly subscribe to this. I WORK hard to get PLAY into every day.

Today, after a couple of glasses of wine, I say to Bob “Let’s go over and look at the neighbor’s hole” (they’re putting in a swimming pool and the concrete was poured today). It took a little coaxing because Bob has to be encouraged to PLAY, but he agreed and we walked over and peered into their backyard.

Walking back I noticed a woman sitting in a chair on the bike/walking path beside our house. I wanted to go up and ask her why she was sitting in a chair on the bike/walking path but Bob pooh-poohed that, which usually makes me want to do it more, but this time I said “okay, let’s just lay in the grass in our front yard and watch her.” So we did.

On closer inspection it looked like she was pregnant and probably just resting, interesting to carry your own chair, you don’t see that every day. Bob and I continued to lay in the grass enjoying feeling its softness underneath us and admiring how the powder blue sky was providing a perfect backdrop for the Chartreuse leaves.

Bob and I agree that it's has been far too long since we laid in the grass looking up at the vastness of the sky, feeling the earth supporting us. I make a mental note to WORK harder at getting more PLAY in our lives.

Tag your it! Play with me. Tell me something you loved doing as a child, red light green light, hide & seek, catching lightning bugs????

Old Dog

My husband and I find ourselves discussing how insane it is that people feel the need to be available 24/7. I remember back when the Xerox repairman and doctors were the ONLY people who carried pagers.

Bob remarks that he tells people at work that email is not an instant messaging service. It is a message forwarding and storing system. That’s my little engineer talking.

Halfway through my first Photoshop Boot Camp class, I realize my cell phone is still on. Of course it takes hearing someone else’s phone ring before I think of it. I dig mine out of my purse, start to turn it off, then hesitate. “What if someone needs to reach me?”

I opt for vibrate and then get annoyed with myself, “since when did what I WASN’T doing become more important than what I WAS doing?” I don't have time for a debate, so I opt to think about it later.

I’m the first to joke about people and their “CrackBerry’s.” But I’m just as guilty as they are, just too cheap to pay for the higher priced model. What happened to my commitment to present moment? I decide that next week I will turn off my cell phone completely. That’s a good start.

California’s new law requiring hands-free cell phone use is sprouting a new breed of individual. My brother-in-law describes them as having a cockroach in their ear. They walk around appearing to talk to themselves making it difficult to distinguish the truly insane from the headset addicted.

I was aware that my mother’s body was inhabiting mine, the mirror doesn’t lie, but I hadn’t realized the extent to which her thoughts were taking over. That was new information.

Rah-Rah Me!

The baby steps along the way to achieving your goal can prove just as satisfying as reaching the goal itself. I experienced this yesterday in my Photoshop Boot Camp Class.

When the teacher starts the demos approximately thirty of us try to follow along on our own computers. Very quickly things get confusing. People react by asking each other questions, and that ends up making it hard to hear the teacher.

This was frustrating the woman next to me. I tried to help her, but she seemed determined to remain frustrated, so I left her alone and continued my work. The woman on the other side of me and I exchanged questions, it seemed what she didn’t understand, I did and vice versa. Good for us.

I suggested to the frustrated woman that she sit a little closer to the teacher so the noise wouldn’t be so distracting. Still angry she quipped “I will next week” and slammed her notebook closed.

Remembering a lesson my life coach had taught me I asked myself “in this moment right now, am I accountable for this?” The answer was “no.” So I let it go.

There was a time when letting it go would have been impossible for me. I used to be a “fixer.” I would have tried everything to make this woman feel more comfortable. But I am more self-aware now.

My response wasn’t heartless, it actually turned out to be helpful (go figure), because I allowed her the space to experience her own strong emotions that weren’t going away instead of trying to solve her problems.

Once I was up to speed on the lesson, I checked back in with her to see if she was willing to accept help. She was, so I helped her nagivate her computer showing her how to arrive at the screen that the teacher was on (ironically by doing this we were engaging in the very activity that she attributed her frustration to).

Later on, when I was thinking about the experience, I felt pride and affection for myself. I had handled the situation in a positve, healthy way. What a great reminder for me of such a great lesson.

Go Caren, Go Caren, Go Caren! That’s the sound of me celebrating myself for one of my baby steps.

Layers

Today, I was late for my Photoshop Boot Camp Class. It’s not like real boot camp. I didn’t have to do any extra push-ups for being late. I wear sandals and Capri pants, but my mind engages in three straight hours of mental calisthenics, no breaks, no kidding.

I was late because I was trying to figure out the difference between Ginnie Mae, Freddie Mac, and Fanny Mae. Just in case you are interested, Ginnie Mae is a government owned corporation that guarantees bonds backed by home mortgages. Fanny Mae and Freddie Mac guarantee mortgages but have no government backing, even though the government set them up and will probably bail them out in the next few weeks.

Usually, if I am late it’s for no good reason other than trying not to get there too early and instead I get sucked into something like watching a rerun of Brett Michaels’ Rock of Love II. I sure hope he finds love this time around….I don’t think I have another season in me.

The class definitely lives up to its “Boot Camp” name. At the end of the third hour, I stagger out of there, willing myself to remember at least a few things I had learned, and promising I will do better next week.

Driving home I am robot-like, eyes glazed over, following the car in front of me way too closely. Extreme hunger sets in and I remember that I was starving after last week’s class, too. I make a mental note to pack a snack next week. God only knows how late that will make me.

Decisions, Decisions

Why does the question “what color is your hair color” always stump me? I don’t have any problem answering the weight question. I use a standard deviation from the actual number, throw in some wishful thinking, and come up with an amount that is optimistic yet believable. My hair color is another story.

Right now, it’s equal parts of red and blonde. So do I call it red or do I call it blonde? Who knows what color it will be at Christmas time, let alone for the next tens years that I use my passport.

At the DMV I tried to use “various” as my hair color choice, but they failed to see the humor in that. I would imagine the state department would display even less tolerance for creative answers.

Okay, my hair started out blonde, maybe I should use that. Left to its own devices, my hair would be grayish white. That would leave me needing to choose between gray and white. Yuck!

Okay, realizing that made me more decisive, blonde it is. No wait, I have a better idea. I’ll get my new passport photos taken and see what they reveal. If no clear winner emerges, I’ll flip a coin.

HERSTORY

She is at war with the mirror. Like so many wars, it’s difficult to say with any certainty where it began. The first attacks were subtle inferences of lost youth, followed by more pointed attacks on certain features, leading to an all out assault.

She thought she had solved the problem by not looking at herself when she passed mirrors. But like most diversionary tactics, it only got her so far.

Herein lies the rub, she liked looking at herself. Her mother swore that as a child she never passed a mirror without gazing into it, making a face, winking, or leaning in for a better view. She was curious and always wanting to know what she looked like in her hat, making a face, crying, laughing, whatever she was doing, she wanted and needed to see it. Because seeing it made her feel real.

She can no longer stand not to feel real. She decides she must call a cease fire, reframe her thinking, and reclaim herself. As age leaves behind its mark, she chooses to stop averting her gaze and learns to celebrate her gifts.

She has a loving smile that extends comfort and support with its mere flash, any lines created there prove her success. She reveres the smallish lines at the corner of her eyes because they originate from smiling and are a product of her happy contented life. She grows to see the deeper crevices as signals of her determination and commitment. She wears them like badges of honor.

Her surrender brings her freedom. She becomes fearless and again looks at herself in every passing mirror. She celebrates her coming of age and her blossoming knowledge of herself and the world. She shines from the inside out revealing an ageless, timeless, inner beauty.

She breathes and savors the moment, not comparing herself to anything or anybody, simply enjoying what is.

Wanderings

Lost my religion, well more like my center, well more like my focus, but the good news is that I can find it again by following the breadcrumb trail back, or by blazing a new one. Is my life a journey with many side trails or are the many side trails my journey?

Being led away sometimes holds the advantage of seeing things from a new perspective, sometimes more clearly, sometimes revealing more questions, but both are good.

I enjoyed my wonderful distractions, my week long visit with my husband’s brother and his wife, the 40th birthday weekend in Sonoma for Lisa (turns out she’s an online chatter, who knew???) and seeing my Florida sister-in-law and her hubby (new nickname Cubby). I loved our drive to Bodega Bay, our Italian Seafood lunch, and just being together.

All my organized joy has robbed me of my sleep, caused me to indulge (use your imagination), and put a smile on my face bright enough to light a small village.

In the midst of all the frenzy and fun, I missed my writing and my quiet time for self-exploration. Then I looked around and saw a flashing neon sign “Life Lessons available 24-7.” Turns out teachers are available everywhere, all you have to do is open your eyes and heart to see them. I wasn’t far off my path after all.

Oops I Said it Again

This is important….be very careful what you say that you will NEVER do because the more conviction with which you say it, the more likely it is that you will do it. At least that has been my experience and the experience of many of my friends.

We used to drive by this area in Columbus and say “I’d never live here with all this traffic.” Then we decide to move to a better school district, and low and behold we end up moving to that very place. This has happened to me twice with houses and countless other things, the latest being Botox.

I swore I would NEVER get Botox. I thought my friends that did it, didn’t even need it. Then came my obsession with my Cyclops-like droopy eye. I sought the advice of a plastic surgeon about a minimally invasive procedure called a “Thread Lift,” but the procedure has been taken off the market.

While in his office, I decide to schedule an appointment to get rid of some broken blood vessels that are becoming harder and harder to cover with makeup. I make an appointment for the following day to get them “zapped.” Okay, am I retarded? (That was a rhetorical question.) It never occurred to me that it would hurt.

They numbed my face with an ice cube, (I’m not kidding) an ice cube in between zaps. The first laser felt like small electrical shocks, kind of “owie,” and the second laser felt like hot needles. Under the nose, she tells me is the most sensitive area, so she would stop if it became too painful. Turns out she was impressed because once I commit to something, I am IN all the way, pain be damned.

Okay, here's how my Laser experience led to my Botox experience. I was explaining to the laser tech about my Cyclops looks and she said that with Botox I could probably get some lift in the skin above the eye. That’s all I needed to hear. I began investigating.

At the next social gathering, I sat next to my “Botox-adventurous” friends and picked their brains for information and doctor recommendations. I went to the “top doc” in my area and he agreed that my eyes were asymmetrical with the right eye drooping. “Thank You!”

He thought about it for a while and said if I wanted, he’d be willing to try Botox injections to see if it helped. He asked that I return in two weeks to evaluate the results. I’m his little experiment now.

One thing leads to another on this slippery slope. But I’m not too worried about myself because I swear I’ll NEVER…..oops, I’m going to shut up now.

Endless Love

He was born a mountain stream, a youthful river. How long does the river remember?

It seems only yesterday he told her that he loved her “this much” stretching his arms as far apart as they would reach, only yesterday he giggled when she gave him butterfly kisses with her eyebrows.

Only yesterday she cheered at his little league games, only yesterday she taught him to drive a car, seems like he’s been driving away ever since.

Her job was to teach him about life, to manage but not alter his flow, to harness his energy and allow his tributaries their own path, to trust his choices.

She was good at her job, maybe too good. He grew, thrived, loved, learned, and left. Now she watches the river from a far away hilltop admiring its strength and beauty in total awe of its magnificent flow.

How long does the river remember? She’s hoping, like the headwaters, forever.

Laugh Till You Cry

Before there was speech, there was laughter. It turns out that laughter has an evolutionary past and is not a uniquely human trait.

Jaak Panksepp, a professor of psychobiology at Bowling Green State University discovered that when rats play they often chirp, which he describes as a primitive form of laughter. In a 2003 study, “rats that received tickles bonded with researchers and became rapidly conditioned to seek tickles.”1 Another researcher Robert Provine, a psychology professor at the University of Maryland says that laughter evolved from tickling and rough-and-tumble play.1

The therapeutic value of laughter in humans is well documented, but have we evolved too far from our tickle seeking past? Can we learn a thing of two from our “rough-housing” primitive ancestors? Babies laugh when tickled, children laugh 300 times a day, but adults only laugh 15 times a day.2

In the future, prescriptions for mood disorders could read “administer three times daily, one-half hour of intensive tickling or labored breathing play, possible side effects can include but are not limited to: peeing your pants, making incoherent noises, begging to stop, and yelling the word 'uncle' at the top of your lungs.”

At our house, rough-housing always goes a little too far and usually ends with someone crying. But you know what? I’m going to risk it. I’m going to take a step backward to move a step forward. That's right, I'm going to laugh until I cry. Crying is good for you, too, right?

1http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2005/03/0331_050331_animallaughter.html2http://www.hinduonnet.com/folio/fo0003/00030440.htm
2http://www.hinduonnet.com/folio/fo0003/00030440.htm

Feathering My Nest

Now that I have two feet firmly planted in California, I’ve decided it’s time to spruce up my nest. When we moved here five years ago, I walked through my house just once for maybe ten minutes and decided “yes I could live here.”

My realtor showed me the house because the street had a quirky sounding name, turns out to be one of the best fits, house-wise for us ever. It’s a truly special feeling being in the right place at the right time, isn’t it?

Normally, I like to move, changing houses does me good. I once moved from one apartment to another two doors down. In my defense, it was from a flat to a townhouse, but anyone who saw me pushing my grandmother’s old upright piano down the sidewalk to its new home did think I was a little crazy.

Five years in my house here in California makes me want to spend five more. I must be getting old. My body feels its age at times, but in my mind I a still a young girl, no matter how much the mirror disagrees with me. My eighty year old mother-in-law told me that sometimes she looks in the mirror and wonders whose face that is looking back at her.

My mind will always be young, even if at times my body seems to be betraying me. A fresh coat of paint is a part of my sprucing up plan. I could hire someone to do it, but for some reason, I hate paying for something that I can do myself, plus I am picky and would rather look at my own best effort than someone else’s, that is until yesterday.

After spending hours painting my guest room, my shoulder started tightening up and hurting. When I finally stopped I heard it saying loudly and clearly “I can only go so far, don’t take me for granted.” Normally, I am not that good at listening, but today, I’m emailing my friends to get referrals for a good painter.

If my body is kind enough to fire a few warning shots over the bow, I think I'd better listen up and pay attention.

Adding New Members

We've adopted...... five houseplants. Wow, huh? It’s an amazing experience being parents again. Five years ago when we moved to California, we said goodbye to all our houseplants back in Ohio. Our outdoor space here blooms so constantly that we barely missed our left behind plants until now.

We are finally ready to commit, take on a new challenge, be responsible for something other than ourselves again. Our new babies are so darling. Of course, we are trying to provide all the right things for them, just enough water, light, and love…but not too much. This parenting thing is like walking a tightrope isn’t it?

So far, so good, they have lived for about 10 days. We are hopeful that with all the love and attention we are giving them they will prosper, but haven’t we all said that before. I’m just going to enjoy their beauty, watch them grow, and appreciate their gifts.

I am finally planted here, too. Both feet are in California, and I expect I'll grow some, too.

"A Kick in the Butt is a Step Forward"

Dr. Phil said that bit of wisdom. Most people I have offered that advice to have not taken it, but I am not most people, and I and stepping up to give myself a gentle, loving kick in the butt.

A wise teacher once told me, just write, good, bad, or otherwise, just write. Of course, I want everything to be a masterpiece. Which I know it is an unrealistic and unnecessary standard to hold myself to. My writing doesn’t always have to be pretty, interesting, or necessarily good to uphold my dream. It just has to be a sharing of my words on the page.

I love to write because it marries my lifelong need for introspection with my need to express myself creatively. For me, writing involves a going in and learning something new or accessing what I already know and then sharing my thoughts, ideas, and inspirations.

Writing without a clear destination for the words is sometimes difficult. That’s where you, my readers come in. You listen to me and I would love to listen to you, too. Tell me what you relate to, what inspires you, what YOUR dream is.

Remember, it doesn’t have to be perfect, pretty or a masterpiece, just a sharing of your words on a page, that’s all.

I (State Your Dream)

What am I doing in support of my dream? This week I have to admit, not much.

I have been waiting around trying to figure out how to turn a spark into a flame, and a flame into a fire, when I know the answer, just keep striking matches and fan the embers with constant encouragement.

In a self-coaching moment, I asked “what are you willing to do right now in pursuit of your dream.” I answered “read about creativity.” So that’s what I did instead of writing. I finished Eric Maisel’s book Coaching the Artist Within and discovered that I have a dream, but not a plan for my dream.

One strategy Maisel suggests for taking action in pursuit of your dream is to devote an entire journal to dream-upholding. Write “My dream is (fill in your dream) and then every day write a sentence of two on how you will uphold your dream that day. Another of Maisel's ideas is to use a daily calendar divided into two sections. In the top section, every morning write your daily goals with respect to your creative life, and every evening in the bottom section summarize to what extent you achieved your goals.”

Starting tomorrow, I plan to institute at least one of these practices, probably the calendar one because I can buy one with beautiful pictures that I will love looking at. See I’m already starting to plan and I’m planning to keep on planning, too.

Try Something New

Keep things fresh, change things up a bit, incorporate something new into your life. We did that this weekend, not the camping (we’ve done that before). Our new thing was being filthy dirty for two days and enjoying it. I’m talking camping dirt on top of more camping dirt ground into more camping dirt.

My normally well-groomed husband arrived home on Sunday followed by a cloud of dust wearing the same clothes he left the house in on Friday morning (don’t tell him I told you that).

I did sneak in a (coin operated) 75¢ shower on Saturday and applied what I call my “camping makeup,” mascara (top lashes only), foundation (to hide my slight imperfections) and tinted lip stuff (SPF25 of course). The campground restrooms have no mirrors, which I think is a good thing considering how we all looked. So my camping makeup was applied in the reflection of my car windows (another new experience).

Today, I’m laughing at everything, my eyes sparkle and my mood is light, maybe because for two days I managed to not take much of anything too seriously, even the dirt.

It was fun to break the rules, change things up a bit, experience extreme dirtiness. I gained a new appreciation for my own shower and having clean feet.

We go camping for the friends, the party, the food, and NOW for the dirt, too!

Independence Day

What better way to celebrate the 4th of July than a camping trip. I was raised on camping but my childhood trips were much, much different from the ones I take today.

Today's camping trips include great meals, great friends, big campfires, and of course “camping juice” A.K.A wine or D.O.C. drink of choice.

We go with a huge group of good friends who have two requirements when choosing a campground, flush toilets and showers. I respect that. They have cooking stoves and all the camp stuff, we just show up with our tent, sleeping bags, flashlights, and "camping juice."

Our friends plan everything from theme food nights to blind wine tasting (we aren’t blind, the bottles are just covered up). We taste the wines and rate them. Each person puts in $10 and the person’s wine voted number one gets the kitty. You can only imagine how out of control this can get.

We also play a dice game called Left, Right, Center with dollar bills, honestly this group will bet on anything so we bring extra singles to play along.

This year's dinner theme is "Our Immigrant Heritage” with Thursday being Mexican, Friday Greek, and Saturday Italian. I’m a guest chef on Friday, Greek Night. I'm bringing a Peasant Salad with fresh herbs, a yummy Greek Salad, and a dessert.

It’s all about being together with good friends, sharing great food, sitting around a roaring campfire, and oh yeah nature too.

"Let freedom ring, let the wine dogs sing." Happy 4th and Bon Appetit.

The Smokey Eye (not just a makeup technique)

One thing I love about Northern California is that even in the heat of summer, the Delta breeze rolls in at night and we can open our windows and enjoy fifty degree temperatures……that is when Northern California isn’t on fire.

Last week’s wildfires and resulting dangerous air quaity obscured our normally beautiful sun and sky forcing us to run our air conditioner for the first time this season.

I came from Columbus, Ohio where the average number of sunny days is 178 per year. This week reminded me of why I love living here….our average number of sunny days is 300 per year. Not seeing the “real sun” last week or being able to go outside to play affected my mood.

While inside, I was channel surfing and stopped briefly on a religious channel. A preacher was talking about good angels and bad angels. I had thought there were only angels and devils, but apparently bad angels are devils in disguise. So the preacher was suggesting that when an angel delivers a message to us, we should measure it against God’s word to see if it was a good angel or a bad angel. I don’t know about you, but all I have to do is listen to my heart to tell the difference between my angels and my devils, I'm not that easily fooled.

So here we are with some 1400 fires burning in California. Is God mad at us for something or is it because of some prophecy (you can tell I’m not much of a biblical scholar) or is it because of science and climatology, or is it because we have built homes so close to the wilderness that when fires break out we extinguish them so quickly that the underbrush remains so dense that when one does really get going it burns too hot to be put out (opinion of a fireman friend)?

What can I say opinions are like….belly buttons….everyone has one. Did you think I was going to say something else? I’m happy to report that the sunshine and my sunny disposition are back......and thanks to all who inquired about our safety and well being.

An Okay Addiction

I don’t do CRAZY. I have a low tolerance for that nasty, sick feeling I get in the pit in my stomach from it. Mostly, I manage to keep my distance, but part of my extended family is, well, addicted to drama….so sometimes it creeps in.

After reading A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle, I have a better understanding of what causes drama filled lives. Eckhart talks about the “pain body” made up of a person’s unresolved hurts and accumulated emotional pain that is carried around with them effecting their thoughts and actions throughout their life (and not for the good I might add).

They choose to surround themselves with people who feed their “pain bodies” thus continuing the negative cycle and creating more DRAMA! It looks crazy to the outside world, why would anyone over and over again choose something that causes so much pain and chaos. But for those operating with an active “pain body” it’s all they know and it reinforces their beliefs about themselves and the world.

Breaking the cycle is not easy. It takes an awareness, desire, and commitment to learning how to lead a more inspired life. I’ve spent years on my own personal journey, read books that taught me new ways of seeing the world, and experienced the joy that comes from truly knowing yourself, rewarded with a peaceful, contented heart.

My life changed dramatically (pun intended). You could say I’m addicted to feeling good and self-love and I would say “I think that’s an okay addiction!”

Feeling Good

This week Oprah had program featuring Louise Hay. I have been a fan of hers for years. Some of you may remember the year I gave everyone in my family her book Meditations to Heal Your Life for Christmas. I think I handed out fifteen copies.

I imagine many got a chuckle after receiving my gift, that crazy Caren. But I have been a strong believer in the power of affirmations and positive thinking for most of my adult life and wanted to share something that had the power to change your thinking.

I was not always a positive thinker. I worked hard to achieve it. It was a two steps forward one step backward journey, but eventually I got there.

Louise Hay has a movie You Can Heal Your Life. I have not seen it yet, but plan to order it from Amazon.com ($15.96). It features Wayne Dyer, too and if you read my earlier post, reading his books was very influential in my thinking and my life.

On Oprah, Louise Hay talked about how our primary intention in life is to feel good. She suggested that our food and our thoughts are two components that we can control to contribute to feeling good in life. I am all about feeling good.

So, if I send those I love a movie or another book, don’t feel I think that “YOU” need it, I think we can ALL benefit from it, myself included. I still own my copy of Meditations to Heal Your Life.

Personal transformations can begin with something as small as reading this post or Louise Hay or Wayne Dyer and can end with a more powerful, positive, YOU!

Serendipitous Silence

I loved reading Worthwhile Magazine. It focused on discovering your purpose in life both personally and professionally. Worthwhile changed its name to Motto due to a legal battle over the name. I loved Motto, too. It shouted “what’s your motto?” What do you stand for?

Unfortunately, Motto wasn’t in business very long. When it folded Ode Magazine sent Motto subscribers a few issues of their magazine to check out. I wasn’t feeling a connection until the July/August issue arrived. It was completely dedicated to the subject of “silence.”

It had many insightful articles on “silence” including one on “One Square Inch of Silence,” in Washington State’s Olympic National Park, a subject of an earlier post of mine.

The Buddhist proverb seems to apply here “when the student is ready the teacher appears.” The "silence" issue spoke volumes to me. I thought about silence in new ways, like what it is like to hear dawn break, or how music is as much about the silences in between the notes as the notes, or how sometimes just being there matters more than anything that is said.

In silence, we ask for nothing and we need nothing, we are complete.

Fitness Confession

Okay, I’m going to confess something….I’m on ANOTHER quest to get “healthy” (it’s not politically correct these days to say lose weight that makes you sound vain and shallow).

I’m ending week three……I thought it was week four but that must have been the delirium from the white flour deprivation. I’ve been holding off telling you because I always hate people who are “getting healthy.” It reminds me of what I’m not doing, plus they’re so boring. They’ve given up everything I love and had in common with them.

Dear friends, don’t worry I haven’t given up my vino and I still guzzle Diet Pepsi. I’m not crazy for Pete sake. I’ve just added more protein, vegetables, and fiber to my diet. I must say I feel very satisfied and full most of the time. It sounds like a lie, but it’s true.

I’ve given up my candy-like protein bars for ones with 20 grams of protein that really fill me up. I’ve replaced bread with double fiber English muffins (containing 25% of my RDA of fiber). Believe it or not they actually taste good and are quite filling. Are you hearing a pattern here?

I can’t remember the last time I had a French fry. Okay, I lied it was on June 4 at 12:31pm at The Back Porch restaurant in Panama City Beach, Florida and it was delicious. I think my French fry days are over for a while anyway.

What prompted this change? I decided that I wanted to be able to look at myself in photos without wincing, a lofty goal, I know. A little known fact is that the older you get the more weight the camera puts on you. It’s not our fault, how can we fight that?

But don’t hate me or worry too much about me. We all know that “this too shall pass.” I’ve tried “fitness” in the past without much success, so the chances of this working are, well, “slim.”

If this proves not to be my answer, I plan to do a Google search on “posing in pictures to enhance your figure.” I think I’d better hop off right now and get that started. I’ve always found a two-pronged approach works best. Ta Ta!

Small Victories

Our lives are filled with more everyday moments than huge earth shattering events. But most of us don’t focus on the small gestures of kindness that make our lives feel abundant.

It can be as simple as a smile from a stranger, a sincere compliment, or just being helpful, these heartfelt gestures given without any expectation of something in return enhance the quality of our lives and the entire world.

We give and receive acts of abundance every day, but don’t always acknowledge their power. These small gifts make us feel like the road is rising to meet us carrying us in its arms to our destination like life is just a little bit easier.

Here are a few of my small victories.

1. Exchanging my glasses was easy. Sometimes it is hard for me to ask for what I need.
2. My hairstylist and I were “on the same page,” I love my new do.
3. A traffic light stayed green long enough for me to pass.
4. I got a second chance to connect with a friend who called me for moral support.
5. I had enought cash so that I didn’t have to stop at the ATM before heading out today.
6. I actually WANTED to go to the gym tonight.
7. I felt anchored in the present moment ALL DAY!

How about you? What small victories did you experience today?

Expect Great Things

Managing expectation….is it possible….is it necessary? So many times things don’t lived up to our imagined ideal leaving us feeling disappointed.

People say it is our expectations that get us into trouble. I think focusing too much attention on what doesn’t meet our expectations and not adequately celebrating what does is what negatively affects us.

This may sound lame, but last week I made this awesome shredded beef burrito. When I bit into it, I was rewarded with explosions of flavor that far exceeded my expectations. I consciously considered celebrating that wonderful moment, but going gonzo over a burrito, well seemed silly.
But it was more than the burrito, on some level I knew that. It was the joyful occurrence of something being what I expected or better.

So often we get fixated on what doesn’t meet our expectations (my eyeglass incident) or a million other things and we forget to get equally excited about what does rock our world.

The next time something turns out good, meeting or exceeding your expectations, no matter how insignificant, shout praises from the rooftops….okay maybe just do a little happy dance. But celebrate its occurrence and recognize its contribution to your well-being. Shower it with at least as much energy (more if you can) as the nagging missed expectations you obsess on like a dog protecting a bone.

Who knows, by fousing our attention on the good, we may find even more things in our lives to celebrate.

Wink Wink

I suck at picking out eyeglasses. I can’t see how they look on me (because I need glasses to see). I want them to be fashionable and reflect my own personal style (whatever that is), and they need to last a long time because I use them as a backup for my contact lenses. I’m asking for a lot aren’t I?

I was sure I’d picked out the perfect glasses, until they arrived.

Yikes, they were too wide for my face, my bifocal prescription didn’t work well in them, and they accentuated my droopy right eye by completely hiding one eyebrow making me look like a Cyclops. I’m not exaggerating. I was despondent. How could I have gone so wrong, and more importantly would I be living with this reminder of my incompetence for years to come?

I was reading a book on creativity and one of the exercises seemed perfect for my predicament. It suggested writing about a problem and exaggerating it all out of proportion (that’s where the Cyclops came from).

Pen poised, I began lamenting my woes. I wrote about being a Cyclops and the droopy eye thing, suggesting that we spend half of our day upside down to counteract the effects of gravity’s daily tug, and about how nothing could camouflage my freakish disfigurement.

I entertained the idea of plastic surgery to raise the brow up. I suggested destroying all mirrors, but then realized that I would probably still search out my reflection in spoons or in pools of water. Finally, I decided that we're all imperfect and hoped to leave it at that.

Doing this exercise did move me to a new place. Propelled into action, I propped open my droopy eye and telephoned my doctor pleading for a second chance at choosing glasses. He consented and took the hideous ones back, and I selected a new pair, which I’m hoping (fingers crossed) will be great.

I made sure that my new glasses would minimize the Cyclops effect by selecting a frame that showed as much of my droopy eyebrow as possible. But just in case, I made an appointment with a plastic surgeon for next month. It never hurts to keep your options open. Wink Wink!

AHA Moment

For years, I have proclaimed myself a non procrastinator. But lately there is evidence to the contrary. I’ve been avoiding finishing my website like the plague. I even started painting my walls (which I love and hate all at the same time) to avoid it. I dismissed my lack of action as “just not in the mood yet.”

But today, I figured out what’s stopping me.

My AHA moment came as a result of several things. One, something a friend said about her not being able to promote her own writing. I thought to myself “well if that keeps you from writing anything, you will never have to face that obstacle.” But I didn’t quite see how it applied to me…..until today.

Today when I asked myself again if I was going to work on the website I heard a quiet “probably not,” when I was hoping for a “sure let’s get cracking.” I started contemplating why my quiet “no” was winning. Answers didn’t immediately come, so I decided to listen on the computer to Oprah’s Soul Series for inspiration (sounds like procrastination, but it wasn't).

I listened to Dr. Wayne Dyer talk about his book “Change Your Thoughts Change Your Life.” He remarked that in nature “No tree has branches fool enough to fight each other” and I thought “why am I fighting myself.”

Then I listened to part 3 of Eckhart Tolle on the Soul Series. He talked about the idea that getting comfortable with not knowing allows the knowing to come, and about surrendering our attachment to what an outcome should be.

Contemplating my friend’s statement, Wayne Dyer’s and Eckhart Tolles’ wisdom, I found myself firmly planted in the present moment and to my astonishment my answer came.

Like my friend, I had projected myself into the future thinking about how I would promote the website, what I would do next etc. That unknown seemed so huge that I unconsciously resisted finishing so that I would not have to face it.

It is amazing what can come when we focus on the present moment and accept the information it holds for us. Okay, my new awareness didn’t send me immediately to work on the website. But I had big plans to complete first, a refill for my favorite purple pen, then the website.

If you are still reading this, thanks for sticking it out through this longer than usual post, and best wishes for your own AHA moment.

Maybe Someday

I’ll have a terracotta tile floor” I say as I watch the kitchen makeover on HGTV. I admit I thrive on a fair amount of change and blossom when made over.

Let's start with my hair, constantly changing. It grows like a weed and experiences color changes as rapid as a chameleon except unlike a chameleon it stands out from its environment instead of blending in. My stylists love my boldness. For me it’s just hair, a renewable resource, why not try crazy. Sure I've gone too far a time or two. But if you never go too far, you'll never know what you're capable of. Are we still talking about hair?

Never been much of a blender myself. The only time I move with the herd is if it's going at a break neck speed with its hair on fire. Otherwise, I separate from the crowd and fly solo, gliding on the warm air currents in and out of the clouds, blazing my own path, at my own speed. Sometimes I do brave things that seem crazy like fly straight up in the air as far as I can, then flying full speed toward the ground pulling up at just the right moment to avoid disaster. Okay, I don’t actually do that, but I have seen humming birds do it, some kind of mating ritual or maybe their sugar water has fermented. But I do something that feels very similar.

I dive in head first, eyes wide open, multi-colored locks flowing in the breeze my splash creates. I talk about what excites me, what I care about. I don’t wait to have all the answers to share my enthusiasm. I take risks right out in the open. I fly straight up in the air for all to see and sometimes for good measure I fly full speed toward the ground drawing frightened stares from worried onlookers. At the last moment, I pull up and experiencing an incredible “roller coaster feeling" in my gut that reminds me I can soar.

My Own Personal Nirvana

Recently, I got caught up in my own expectations of how things should be and was trying to make things happen my way and temporarily lost the lesson of accepting “what is.” Instead I resisted and denied and in the process lost my opportunity to experience the present moment.

I am happy to report I am back on track having relearned yet another lesson. Relearning lessons seems to be a common, human experience. The good news is that with each relearned lesson comes a gift, a spark of insight that enriches our understanding of life.

When I can accept “what is” it centers me, I feel at one with the universe and I experience a peace and contentment unrivaled. No wonder I was so distraught when I lost it.

When I was resisting “what is” I felt powerless and out of control, like a stranger to myself. But when I stepped back and could see the part my resistance was playing, I was free to change it.

When I accept “what is” my world hums and sings out loud. I am right where I am suppose to be doing just what I am supposed to do, my own personal nirvana.

When the Going Gets Tough

Being able to accept discomfort without trying to escape it is good for us, especially if we want to stop repeating the same life lessons over and over again. We need to brave-up, woman-up or man-up (depending on your gender) and allow ourselves to feel it, live it, and stay with it, whatever ‘IT” might be. Only then can we gain a true understanding of “IT” and a chance to resolve “IT.”

We use clichés like “when the going gets tough, the tough get going.” But instead of digging in and working hard, our society literally “gets going” and moves on to a new thing. We also go to our "happy place” to escape. Both strategies work for a while, but they focus our attention away from what’s bothering us and offer us no space for learning and no chance for reconciliation.

No doubt fully experiencing your feelings is uncomfortable. Most of us are wired to avoid pain. When I’m crying I want to stop crying, when I am in pain I want out of pain, when I am anxious, I want to stop being anxious but when I stop without accepting and understanding the root of those feeling, I am just putting a Bandaid on a leaky dam that will eventually break open again and again.

When I tried this myself I have to admit my symptoms did seem worse at first. I think that’s what stops us, we think we are making ourselves feel bad, but in reality the depth of our feelings were always there, we are just masters at masking them. Two things I know for sure about life “you can’t make people like you, they do or they don’t, and you can’t make yourself feel something, you do or you don’t.”

So the next time you have uncomfortable feelings, live with them, invite them to stay a little longer, each time increasing the time. Recognize them as your teacher and learn from them. You WILL feel uncomfortable, but you WILL survive, that I know for sure, too.

Revelation vs. Revolution

It amazes me how easy it is for some people to blame other people for all of their problems. How do they manage not to see that THEY are common denominator, THEY are the constant, THEY are the one determining their own outcomes.

When faced with challenges many people move on, run away. But when we run away without addressing our problems, they eventually catch up with us, dooming us to repeat the same lessons over and over again. Next time you're faced with a problem and you are thinking about moving on, try “moving in” instead.

Moving inward on a journey of self exploration. It requires finding inner stillness, what Eckhart Tolle refers to as your “listening space.” This inner space contains no judgment, expectation, or blame. It rewards you with abundance, awareness, and a light that allows your imperfect beauty to shine.

Sometimes when I wander a little too far off my spiritual path, I look inward and focus on the present moment and all it has to teach me and I quickly find my way back. There is no running away for me, I chose a revelation over a revolution every time.

Finding Caren

I searched my entire life to discover “who I am.” Not the “who” everybody thinks I am, but the “who” that I know myself to be. Why is this question such a mystery to me? Do I really not know “who I am?”

I have chosen and played many roles in my life but the “real me” comes from a place deep inside myself where when I act from I feel perfectly aligned and my spirit soars.

I move effortlessly, joyfully not fighting my inner compass, letting its knowing wisdom guide my step. I relax and ride the gentle breezes that carry me in the direction of my heart. I celebrate myself by accepting and loving "who I am."

I found myself, see I'm right here.

J.I.C. Just In Case

you were wondering, I have defeated the projection alarm clock. For two weeks it has worked continuously, so I am declaring victory. I bet you will all sleep just a little better tonight knowing that. Sweet Dreams!

Tip of the Iceberg

After reading The Joy Luck Club by Amy Tan, I was struck (like by a two-by-four in the head) by the discrepancy between how much the mothers and daughters in the novel thought they “knew” about each other, their lives, experiences, and motives compared to how little they actually did.

I started to wonder what I really “know.” I think we can “know” ourselves, but can we ever really “know” someone else?

We come to know ourselves through concerted effort and mountains of awareness and soul-searching. To get there we explore a chamber of our hearts rarely visited, our “feeling memories,” where the essence of “who we are” the real us lives, no edits, no omissions, no retouches.

To truly “know” another person would require accessing that place in them, and I doubt that is possible. What we end up “knowing” about another person is what we see with our eyes and interpret or what we are told. Even when the other person themselves does the telling, the picture is never complete, it comes in snippets, threads that we weave together to form our picture of them.

Next time I think that I “know” something, especially if on the surface it looks “black and white.” I will open my heart and remember that the colors are there, just beyond my view, and remind myself that what I'm seeing may just be the “tip of the iceberg.”

Mirror

Mirror what lesson can you teach me? I do not pretend to know. I gaze into your perfect circle wondering why you have so much power over me. You are simply reflecting reality.

You don’t judge me, I judge myself. You just provide a reflection of “what is.” I am the one who criticizes. You are not my enemy, I am my own "mean girl." Will we ever become friends? Will I ever accept your view without judging and welcome your perspective?”

Someday when I look in the mirror I want to see only beauty, and have compassion for myself too, that is my goal.

Alarm Clock Wars

We have a projection alarm clock that searches “automagically” for the correct time, has different time zones settings, has a temperature sensor, and when in the correct mode (and all the planets are aligned) alternates flashing the time and temperature on our bedroom ceiling.

I keep the instruction manual in my nightstand drawer because of the numerous hours I have spent (I’m not exaggerating) trying to get it into the right mode, two taps on the SET button, then the MODE, the +, then hold down the SET button for three seconds and spin around chanting. I’d throw the darn thing away if I wasn’t so addicted to getting instantaneous information all night long on the time and temperature just by glancing up. I love that!

My engineer husband Bob just spent an hour before work on the stupid thing. Of course he reads the entire manual, I skim. He completely replaces all the batteries and plugs it into a new outlet and asks me which direction Fort Collins, Colorado is. We scratch our heads and figure its east and give the rebellious thing one more chance to find the signal.

According to Bob the signal comes in strongest at night because the ionospheric balance is best then, whatever that means. So I’m waiting AGAIN to see who is victorious, us or the alarm clock.

Lighten Up

I need to lighten up. Maybe it’s because I’m overly focused lately on creating my website business using photo affirmations, writing and thinking about writing, and planning and executing.

I’m starting to think that all this “present moment living” is peaceful, YES, but I’m drama-free, non-judgmental, open-minded, somewhat evolved and well a little bit bored. Perhaps I’m not so evolved:).

I have some fun time coming up, a vacation to Florida. I need a laugh out loud book for the beach. Got any ideas? In the meantime, send me jokes, make me laugh. Laughter is the best medicine and I am in desperate need of a dose.

Thank You Wayne Dyer

Thinking is sometimes like working a jigsaw puzzle, a piece goes here and there until a picture starts to appear. By midday, I had my picture, Dr. Wayne Dyer’s book Erroneous Zones was the original spark that lit my spirit fire so many years ago.

The glowing embers still radiating heat, dying down, flickering, but never going completely out, waiting in my unconscious, for a strong wind to fan their latent spark creating leaping flames. A New Earth was my strong wind.

Wayne Dyer was ahead of his time in 1976 when he wrote in Erroneous Zones “Choice and present-moment living will be stressed on almost every page of this book.” Present moment living “presence” is the key to “Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose” in Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth. It is something I will strive to achieve every day.

I had forgotten that I had started down this same path toward this same goal so many years ago. But I believe that we learn, and often times re-learn things for a reason.

Without the gift of Wayne Dyer’s early wisdom lighting my path, I may not have been ready to embrace the lessons of A New Earth and enjoy the rise to new heights that its strong winds offered. Thank you Wayne Dyer.

Origin of My Spark

I’m reading a book on creativity that suggests having notebooks and paper everywhere to jot down ideas. That way when inspiration comes, we are ready for it. I thought “great idea,” but did nothing.

Later while relaxing in a hot bath, a flash of brilliance, okay an idea, came to me and I wanted to write it down, but didn’t have any paper nearby. I decided to round up all my old journals and writing notebooks, there must have been 8-10 piled high on my bed, most barely used. I placed them all over the house, even in the car, ready to catch the next big idea.

I started glancing through and reading some previous entries and couldn’t believe my eyes. On May 11, 1979, in a journal titled “The Days of My Life,” I wrote about experiencing for the first time “living in the moment” and how I felt this total peace come over me that I fantasized was the peace that I’d feel at the time of my death “totally in the here and now” is how I described it and then I joked that “I didn’t even have to die to get it.”

Wow, I have been on this path since 1979! I am fascinated that I have been on this journey for twenty-nine years (almost to the day) and that I still value and pursue the same things in life.

May 11, 1979 was my first “present moment” experience and without this journal page, I would NEVER have remembered it. I vow, AGAIN to embrace journaling. Can you help me? Do you journal? Can you offer suggestions and ideas on developing a journaling habit so that I don't miss any insightful moments?

There are only three entries in “The Days of My Life” journal. Perhaps that’s where I will start. On page four I’ll write “May 12, 2008, I discovered the origin of my spark!”

Nudge Versus Push

Focusing on the present moment has revealed something about myself to me, that I can be pushy sometimes. It’s not that I wasn’t aware of this before, people have called me “blunt” (thanks Kate:)). But I’ve added a new dimension to my knowing, by feeling it.

So, I’m sorry if I ever pushed you when I meant to nudge you, unless you’re glad that I pushed you because you needed it, see what a slippery slope this is. I guess what I’m saying is if I say things that you don’t like or don’t agree with or aren’t ready to hear, blow it off. I never intend anything negative or judgmental, that’s just not what I'm about.

People do value me for giving my honest opinion, and I won’t stop doing that (not sure I can:)). But the good news is that I have become more aware that words are powerful tools and I want mine to encourage, uplift, and support my friends, family, and community.

Trial and Error

Fear of failure has stopped me more times that I’d like to admit. If I failed, I thought it diminished me. I didn't realize what a necessary part in life that trial and error played.

I gained some valuable insight on making mistakes in Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth. He writes that being willing to make mistakes teaches us what doesn’t work, and that knowing what doesn’t work puts us one step closer to figuring out what does. Eckhart also writes about being “at ease with not knowing.” I find both concepts very freeing.

In the past, I’ve joked about embracing failure, trying to fail, which makes people laugh, but what I really want is to let go of my fear and take risks to achieve things.

I’ll start by using Eckhart’s ideas to reframe my thinking. Every few days I’ll ask myself “Caren, what did you do that didn’t work?” I’ll be very present and listen to my response. Then I’ll congratulate myself on knowing what doesn’t work and being one step closer to knowing what does.

Just writing all this down takes enormous pressure off of me. I don’t have to know all of the answers, all I have to do is to keep searching for them. I think I can handle that!

Dream Searcher

When we are young, most of us become overly identified with our roles and carry them throughout our lives without ever even questioning them.

“Good with Numbers” becomes an accountant, “Good with People” maybe a social worker, “Good in Science” perhaps a doctor, “Good with Kids” teaches. Early on, we listen to what others say about our abilities and identify more with their assessments than we do with the vast unnamed qualities that make up our personalities.

Unfortunately, role identifications get attached to us at a very young age when we don’t fully know “who we are.” I’m sure you know many adults with varying degrees of dissatisfaction with their jobs or lives and still they cling to their original role identification unable to let go or create a new one for themselves.

I call myself a dream searcher because I dropped my childhood identity and began experimenting with “who I am.” I love trying on “new hats” to see how they fit, because fit is everything. I can be “Good with Whatever” but if it doesn’t fit my life right now, it will not fulfill me. I may stay a dream searcher my entire life, the idea does have appeal to me. It just means I haven’t ruled anything completely out yet.

Not everyone can or would want to do this, but what you can do is carve out a little corner of your life and experiment. Make room for something that has always interested you. You will be amazed at how the ripple effect of joy can overflow into other areas of your life. Before you know it, you are changed. Not because of a grand plan or a sweeping gesture, but because of your willingness to look at your world through the eyes of a child and dream.

Celebrations

This last week of April is our week of celebrations, my husband’s birthday, our wedding anniversary, and today my birthday.

In search of a memorable, overnight trip to celebrate our 28th wedding anniversary, I discovered the East Brother Light Station http://www.ebls.org/index.php, a restored Victorian Lighthouse Bed and Breakfast Inn perched atop an island in the straits that separate San Francisco and San Pablo Bays. Reading the descriptions, I knew I’d found our adventure.

At 4pm we were to meet at the Point San Pablo Yacht Harbor in Richmond California for a short boat ride to the island. The website cautioned that the road to the harbor was not well maintained. It also stressed that depending on the tides you needed to be able to exit a bobbing boat by climbing a ladder from four to ten feet. The only water source on the island is rain collected in cisterns, so showers could not be provided for guests staying only one night. Already I was excited.

The yacht harbor (I’m using the term loosely) was weathered but proved adequate for our host to dock and load for our ferry to the island. Arriving at the island, our climb up the ladder to shore was only four feet. No problem.

Our evening began with hosts Elan and Katey serving us champagne and hors d’oeuvres outdoors to enjoy the wonderful weather and gorgeous views of the bay and city of San Francisco off in the distance. Only three of the five rooms in the Inn were rented so six of us shared the island for the night. Our conversations, lively and interesting, carried on throughout a delicious multi-course dinner with wines selected to complement and into the unseasonably warm night air.

We stayed in the Marin Room, the view breathtaking. I already miss seeing the stars over the bay with Mount Tamalpias in the background. In the morning, enjoying our gourmet breakfast, all agreed our time there went by WAY to quickly. Leaving at low tide, we did get one last adrenaline rush climbing down the ladder about ten feet to our waiting boat.

So many places we travel remind us of other places we have been. This uniquely, wonderful experience was one we'll always remember!

Inner Fitness

Exercise is my nemesis. I have been in and out shape for nearly fifty five years. As I grow older, I want to keep moving, running, dancing, jumping (not that much jumping) but you get the idea. I want to keep my body limber and my muscles strong, but I resist an exercise routine.

Last fall was the closest I've come to a consistent commitment in years, but I “fell off the wagon.” Where is my “inner coach” when I need her?

I’m wondering if my problem is the word “exercise” or the word “routine.” My days free flow and create themselves many times, but I don’t think I’m allergic to routines. I think it’s the E-word “exercise.” It carries so much negative connotation for me, all the broken promises to myself.

Yesterday, I tried unsuccessfully to motivate myself to take a long walk or go to the gym. Then I remembered a trick I learned last February on my Florida trip. I stopped calling it “exercise or gym” and started calling it “meditation.” Knowing myself better is something I value, so spending an hour dedicated to “meditating” on me seems worthwhile and something I don’t resist.

The “meditation” just happens to take place at California Family Fitness on the wave machine where I practice being in the present moment. Yeah, I can still use headphones and watch the HGTV if I want to or listen to the music channel, but it’s “me” time. Time dedicated to finding me or losing me, whichever I need at that moment.

Is there a goal or an intention that keeps eluding you? Try looking at it through new eyes. Use a new word, one that aligns with your purpose and see if that small shift in words, creates a big shift in your perception. It did for me.

Affirmations

I love affirmations and have used them for years to program myself with positive and uplifting thoughts that motivate me. Lately, it’s becoming clear to me that WORDS MATTER even more than I originally thought. What we tell ourselves, the story we tell ourselves about who we are, determines WHO WE ARE!

If we tell ourselves when things get tough we always quit, guess what, when things get tough, WE WILL QUIT. Let’s start right NOW and tell ourselves a positive story, one that focuses on what we do well, things we succeed at, things we are proud of, things we dream about. You know this story, you're just not used to telling it.

I admit it isn't easy to change our thinking, let’s face it most of us remember negative events because they are so emotionally charged. But with a little effort and training, we can learn to focus on the good in our lives.

Affirmations help us do just that. They serve as a visual reminder of our intention, what we want to accomplish, where we want our energy to flow. We all learn through repetition (remember memorizing your multiplication tables?) Looking at an affirmation card and repeating its message strengthens our beliefs and convictions. Using this process, we learn to give ourselves what we so freely give to others, praise, love, encouragement, understanding, kindness, and compassion.

My current affirmation is “Practice being kind to yourself, the results will amaze you!” Try it, and let me know what happens.

My Inner Coach

In case you are wondering what I am up to, I spend time writing on my blog (thanks for reading), developing a website to sell personalized photo inspirations (half done), and reading three inspirational books (various stages of completion) all at the same time…..well not simultaneously. I switch back and forth between activities depending on my interest.

I’ll give you the short version of what I have learned so far….I have defined “My Life’s Purpose” (see below) into a single sentence that will become my living instructions (Coaching the Artist Within, Eric Maisel). The book is also teaching me to become my own coach, a really fun activity for goofy people like me who enjoy role playing. I’m finding practical application for this technique throughout my life…..more to come in a later post.

I have defined my dreams, then expanded them to something five times greater, and then recognized and credited myself for things that I have already accomplished on the path to them (The Nine Modern Day Muses and a Bodyguard, Jill Baldwin Badonsky, M.E.d.) Are you tired yet? I am a little.

"Bea Silly" is by far my favorite of The Nine Modern Day Muses, and the bodyguard, ARNOLD, is incredibly helpful. I can summon him whenever someone or something attempts to thwart my creativity. I have already called on him once, and he fixed it right up. Yes, he is named after the “Govenator” and yes “HE’LL BE BACK!”

Some call all this jumping around “ADD.” To me it feels more like an open mind inviting different kinds of stimulation at different times. I certainly need to be in my serious frame of mind to work on the website. I learn and then re-teach myself so many things, but I do like the way it’s turning out. So that makes it all worthwhile.

My inner coach might ask “What are you doing to make your dreams come true? And I would have to answer “a lot, but I have barely "scratched the surface" there is so much more to come.” And my coach would say “good on you, keep it coming!”

Present Moment

We are so conditioned to project ourselves into the future or beat ourselves up about the past that we fail to recognize the power and wonder of living in the present moment.

I’m gaining perspective on “presence” studying A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. Each weekly web class hosted by Eckhart & Oprah begins with thirty seconds of silence, where we focus our attention on our body’s internal functions (like breathing in and out) and away from thinking. This process provides a glimpse into experiencing the present moment.

The present moment is the only thing that we have for certain. The past is behind us and the future only a hope, not a promise. When you practice living in the present moment, you gain a clarity that allows you to see through new eyes your place in the world and to honor it.

It’s not too late to experience your own awakening. Each week Eckhart & Oprah discuss a chapter of A New Earth. Next week, Chapter 7 Finding Who You Truly Are according to Oprah is a great place to join in. You can catch up after that by going back and listening to previous classes. Check it out at http://www.oprah.com/.

We Can Learn Anything

I read an article years ago that inspired and left a lasting impression on me. It stated “WE CAN LEARN ANYTHING.” I questioned the hypothesis, but kept reading. It went on to say “we can learn anything if we are willing to spend the amount of time necessary to learn it.” The amount of time necessary varies widely based on an individual’s abilities and experience.

Interesting, could this explain why I dropped Chemistry and took Geology and Mineralogy, affectionately known at Ohio State as Rocks for Jocks? Identifying halite by licking it to check for saltiness, held far more appeal to me than memorizing the periodic table. I tried not to think about all those who had licked the rocks before me.

At times, I have resisted learning all together, especially about computers. When I had problems, I called my husband and he would solve them for me. The system worked great until he tired of my relentless demands forcing me to begin my twenty year computer learning journey (still in progress).

I am happy to report that my skills go way beyond the basic now, we joke that I am Tech Level II bordering on Tech Level III. I set up this blog, okay admittedly not that hard, but I also taught myself MS FrontPage using tutorials. It took a lot of time and several passes to complete. I’m not a quick learner, but I was willing to spend whatever time it took because I was developing a website for a business that I plan to launch soon that sells personalized, photo inspirations.

The idea that "WE CAN LEARN ANYTHING" is empowering. Whatever I haven’t "gotten a good handle on” yet just has not shown up on my radar screen as important enough for me to spend the time to master.

I like knowing that I haven’t missed anything, whatever I want to learn is waiting out there for me. All I have to do is decide that it is important to me, and then spend whatever time and resources it takes to learn it.

That puts ME in charge of what I know. That is power.

Birth Announcement

There I did it……I sent out a birth announcement for my blog.
You can’t imagine how hard it was for me to actually invite and share with friends and family what is inspiring me, total strangers I was fine with, but friends and family, scary. I have always been interested in writing….well art too….well decorating also….well those who know me know I have no shortage of interests.

When the new year rolled around, I started focusing again on writing, this time in classes with Mary Anne Radmacher http://www.maryanneradmacher.com/ and I haven’t looked back. The blog gives me an opportunity to share my writing and hear from others about their own journey, too. I love that!

I’ve found my voice and love writing about everything that interests me. I hope you’ll enjoy reading some of it and comment some, too. There’s no stopping me now!

Wine Dogs Sing

Missung song lyrics is what prompted this blog, this day and still makes me laugh out loud.

My own personal lyric butcher is from Rock the Casbah by the Clash. Correctly sung it goes the shareef dont like it, Rockin the casbah, Rock the casbah. I sing it Sherreee don't like it, bussing the cash bar, bussing the cash bar. The funniest one I found online was a missung lyric to Martina McBrides' song "Independence Day" Let Freedom ring! Let the wine dogs sing! The actual lyrics are "Let the white doves" sing."

In songs and in life we worry far too much about getting everything right. Just make it up, belt it out, sing along with whatever’s in your head. Most of the time, nobody will even notice, and when they do, you will ALL get a good laugh out of it, and who can't use a good laugh.

Make me laugh. Tell me YOUR most famous missung song lyric?

Dawn Song

All you have to do is start….there I did it I pushed out my first blog sentence. Being new to the blogosphere, I approached it the way I always do with the unknown, a Google search. I typed in “birth of a blog.” My intention was to find out if it was too cliché to start your blog with birth references.

My first hit was “enjoy birth,” having given birth many, many years ago, my memories of the wonderful event, although fuzzy, did not include enjoyment so I continued on. The next hit was home birth, then birth stories, and I quit when I got to birth trauma deciding that “pushed out” would be my only birth reference, cliché or not.

There seems to be so much pressure the first time you do anything new. So I’m glad that I am no longer a blog virgin. Now, I can get down to the really important stuff.

I am experiencing a personal rebirth (sorry can’t seem to get off the birth thing), a kind of spiritual regeneration. This blog is my way to share my journey, write about my insights, about what inspires me, and to hear about your journey, and what inspires you.

In contrast, I also like to write about off-the-wall random things that amuse me and hear back from the amused others among us.