The Pearl

When did “present moment living” take up residence? I’m not certain. During the past two years it’s dropped in and visited. Unexpectedly at first, but a welcome surprise of unparalleled experience. It’s like the infatuation stage of love. Everything looks different, smells different, tastes different, colors shine brighter, meaning becomes obvious, street signs look foreign and new, the world opens before your eyes in a way it has never done before. Did I mention the peacefulness? Oh it is truly blissful I’ll even say “to die for.” Turns out you don’t have to.

I want it to stay forever when it comes, but like a rootless drifter it arrives and leaves on its own schedule. Eventually, I do start sensing its pending arrival. I notice the signs and start inviting it with my best “come hither” and am blessed with remarkable experiences of vividly amazing days that eventually grow into weeks. But still it continues to slip away in the night without so much as a post-it note. But now my unpredictable houseguest/friend has officially moved in and I couldn’t be happier, seriously, no seriously! Its presence is glaringly obvious this holiday season.

I no longer argue with the reality of “what is.” Bob had surgery. I’m not a hero or superhuman. Yes, I am brave and happy for that. But I don’t have to attach a story to it, I simply experience it, lived it, and it’s manageable. Just like not going home for Christmas. Several times, I have been tempted to attach a story to it like that “for fifty-seven years I've spent the holidays with my family” making it BIG. But when I'm present and experience it without a story, it’s not big or sad. It’s actually very peaceful. Like the oyster, I have rubbed up against enough sand that a metamorphosis has occurred and something beautiful has been created inside of me. I always thought acceptance involved the surrendering of your power. It turns out that it involves the surrendering of your stories and the acceptance of your power. “Who knew?

Renaissance

I rarely see the first light of day. I’m not against it, but my natural circadian rhythm wakes me at seven thirty when the sun has made her debut and is already ascending in the morning sky. On those rare days when I do occasion a glimpse of her first rise, I know I have witnessed something truly spectacular, a birth, a new beginning.

I am seeing my own sunrise right now. On the horizon her beauty greets me more brightly each day. She emerges wondrous and whole, a perfect arc arching forward. Her appearance not coincidental, designed, desired, and now required by me. Her presence arrives as beautifully as a bird’s melodic call filling my ears with joyful songs.

It is my calling, my soul’s reach. A hand offered a hand taken, pulling me out of my past into the present where all power lives to create my future. I have answered the call and I smile now, not for the world to see, but for me.

A DIFFERENT OF HO HO HO

Just as I’ve steel myself to resist store ads that create a need that before was not there, I find myself weakly resisting my need/want to be with our families for Christmas.

This is BIG I realize as I lay in bed a little tearful upon waking this morning. I’ve spent EVERY Christmas Day that I have been on this planet (57 years) in Ohio having dinner with my mother and Bob and I have spent EVERY Christmas Eve partying with his family for 30 years. THAT”S BIG!

Bob’s sinus surgery was the impetus. No matter how many times or who I asked (even the doctor right before surgery) the answer was always the same “no travel for three weeks.” So I guess they mean it!

I accept it and even embrace it as my opportunity to change and grow. I always encourage others to “dance that dance” now it is my turn. My life has changed a lot in 57 years but my traditions haven’t.

Matt is grown now living in Florida with his own family and wonderful in-laws that love him. We’re in California new grandparents to Sophia down in Florida with a second home there. I think it’s time to challenge our habits and examine our traditions to find the best way to fit EVERYONE we love in. It is as HARD as you can imagine it would be.

All you people in Ohio, don’t fear, I’m already missing you and the holiday isn’t even here yet. You ARE and always will be an important piece of my life. I love you! But creating a life and traditions with Matt, Sarah and Sophia are important to us now, too.

A treasured place in our hearts is not as good as a spot at the table for Christmas Dinner, I realize that, but some years it may have to do. It sounds so logical when I write it, BUT boy does it yank HARD on the heartstrings.

It may not be on the same days or nights that we have celebrated with you in the past, but I hope to see you sometime every Christmas season. This year a healthy Bob IS my Christmas Wish and the place I’m devoting all of my energy. My first California Christmas.....wonder what that will bring?

My Achilles HeaI

I’m good on my feet and now I’m good to my feet, but I wasn’t always. I took them for granted. I expected them to get me from point A to point B no questions asked, until the day they didn’t.

The day that I stepped on a far too tight muscle, once too often, and pain ensued. The day that with the pain came a message, a reminder of sorts about how a single part effects the whole. The day that the awareness hit me like a freight train that healing comes in its own time on its own schedule not mine.

Now, every day, I wake up slowly languishing in bed for a few moments connecting to my body and spirit, stretching lightly from head to toe, paying special attention to my feet.

I know they intend to support me, but now EVERY DAY I remind myself it’s a two-way street, I must support them, too.

See "Will" Run

Calaveras Big Trees State Park is one of my favorite places and camping there this weekend was a blast. Seventeen of us on a two hour road trip to the solitude of the forest for a weekend of friendship, wine, and hiking.

On Saturday, we took the South Grove Trail, a five mile hike with a 400 ft. change in elevation to see the largest tree in the forest. Don’t let that 400 ft. change in elevation fool you, our trail ascended and descended more times than a politician of questionable morals pants.

It probably wouldn’t have been as hard had my friend Mary and I not been running part of the time. The men grew tired of waiting for the other campers in our group to arrive, so they left Mary and me on a bench with a Walkie Talkie to wait for them.

After about fifteen minutes, they called us on the Walkie Talkie us to say that they had taken a wrong turn, go figure, but ended up finding our fellow campers. They instructed Mary and me to go across the bridge instead of turning left as they had and that they would backtrack the ½ mile or so to the bridge. “Roger that.” Mary and I exchanged glances “so who’s the leader now?” I mocked. From that moment on it became a footrace to stay ahead of them.

“Ahh maniacal Caren, I LIKE HER” said Mary. “Take deep breathes to send the oxygen all the way to the bottom of your lungs” she coached as I struggled with the high altitude running. Whenever we could hear their voices we would immediately pick up our pace and run. At every signpost they would call us on the Walkie Talkie for a location check. They just couldn’t believe that we were on the same trail and that they couldn’t catch us.

We made it to Agassiz, the biggest tree in the forest just minutes before they arrived. They were certain that we had found a shortcut. But there was no shortcut, only the iron will of two determined competitors. It is true that “Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will. “ -Mahatma Gandhi

Today, my ankles are asking my “Will” “did you think you were some kind Billy Goat who could stand on the side of a mountain?” Ouch, ouch, ouch, but so worth it!

My Utopia

I remember when my son was young and played soccer. At the end of the season everyone got a trophy. It didn’t matter how many games you won or if you ever contacted the ball during the game, everyone on the team got one. The kids loved it.

I loved the idea of learning a sport in a non-competitive environment without having to make winners and losers out of five year olds. Some of the more competitive parents scoffed at this saying “the kids know who won and lost.” Throughout the years after every sporting event my son participated in, and there were many, win or lose I told him “Good Game,” which he informed me that kids hate. But that did not deter me.

My favorite sport was middle school track. So many children came out and ran and jumped and had fun. There were events for every talent from dashes to long distance to high jumping to long jumping. Somehow we were blessed with coaches who managed to instill in our kids that the person they were competing was their “personal best.”

Winning was great, but beating your “personal best” was an equally celebrated accomplishment. I wish we could all carry that attitude with us throughout our lives. Then we would stop comparing our accomplishments to other people’s and measure our success by what really counts “our personal best.” That would be my utopia.

Do Rae ME

Believe in yourself. You hold the power. Change the channel, turn the volume up or down or off. It’s completely up to you.

People search for happiness when happiness is found simply by living authentically. Tiptoe out of the shadows and give voice to your own light. Share yourself honestly and humbly and you won’t have to go looking for happiness and peace, they will find you.

When you stop listening to someone else’s soundtrack and make your own beautiful music, even if others might think it has a little too much cowbell, your spirit WILL sing.

Can you tell I’m excited!!!

Very soon, I will become a grandma for the first time! Her name will be Sophia. There she is in her beautiful mother’s tummy with my adoring son leaning in closely.

I have been told this is a joy like no other. That I will look into this child's little face and be overwhelmed to know that I will be a part of her life forever. I will also get to experience all the happiness my own child feels becoming a parent. WOW!

I get all the good stuff like spending time with her, helping care for her and loving on her (kiss kiss) but still get a good night’s sleep.☺

My current dilemma is what to call myself? Am I her Nana, Nonna, Grandma, Ma Ma, Gi Gi or the host of other choices? In today’s society grandparents are opting for names that express their own uniqueness.

For Bob it was easy. He’s opting for BABA. It’s usually one of the first sounds/words babies say. I am considering Carenu (pronounced care-new). My nephew Augie called me this when he was a baby. I’m guessing that he heard the “N” sound on the end of Caren as “nu”.

My mom was always Grandma Sara to my son. I wanted him to know her as a person with a first name, too.

I’m sure when the time comes I’ll know who I am. Until then…do you have any ideas for me?

Surrender Is Not a Cinch

A part of what I am learning and writing about is surrende. Not surrender as in defeat, surrender as in acceptance of “what is.” Living without the expectation that things should be different than they are.

Some say that when you stop needing something you get it. That seems to cynical to me. I think that when you release your attachment to needing something, you may still want it, it often manifests.

Here’s an example. You’ll laugh when you realize that this is about Cinch glass cleaner. I have love, love, love this cleaner. The smell is so clean and it doesn’t streak and leaves countertops sparkling, need I say more.

Last winter the two stores where I buy it stopped carrying it and couldn't special order it for me.

So what did I do? I Googled searched it and found it was available but only to large janitorial supply customers. So I forgot about it for a while, but like a pesky itch, I knew that I would eventually scratch it again.

This week I could resist no longer. Again I Googled it. This time I found it from an online retailer but the shipping costs were more than the product. I have an aversion to that, so I bailed. I decided that I was delaying the inevitable, I surrendered.

But didn't completely give up. I found a website that told me that the main ingredient in Cinch was (Isopropanol a.k.a alcohol) and they listed a glass cleaner with Isopropanol in it.

With the surrender to my obsession with Cinch behind me, the hunt was on for the new similar formula product. Some might say this was a replaced obsession, and they could be right. After searching in five different stores, I began to doubt this product’s existence. I decide to check one more store before surrendering completely.

I scan the shelves, no sighting of the new product, damn. I turn to leave and the heavens open and choirs of angels sing and out of the corner of my eye glowing on the bottom shelf I SEE CINCH! I am so excited you would think I’d won the lottery. This orange trophy is more valuable to me than an Academy Award. I buy all the bottles I can carry (four).

I need to practice this surrender thing. My Cinch quest lasted six months, that’s a long time to devote to a glass cleaner, but in my defense it isn’t just ANY glass cleaner.

Biking Queen

I joined Bob's bike riding group this morning and rode 20 miles. This is quite an accomplishment for me. I have to say I am a little bit sore in some unusual places. I don't care what that guy at the bike shop says, I'm buying the biggest gel seat I can find before my next ride. Bob stayed home today because his toe has started hurting AGAIN! Drats!

It's smoking hot here today, temps approaching 100. I want to jump in the pool and cool off, but I can't because I used the last of the sunscreen for my ride.

We can't go out because we have no sunscreen and we have no sunscreen because we can't go out. If I remember correctly, that is a tautology. I knew that Logic class would come in handy someday. OOH, I just found a new word for it "circumlocution." Try fitting that into a sentence.

Enough of my roundabouts! I'm off to buy sunscreen!

Cheerio

I got up and decided that today is the day I become accountable for the calories I put into my mouth. Okay, backstory, my sister went on the Flat Belly Diet and looks and feels great and yes I am a little jealous. Not of her success, but of the fact that I STILL wince when I look at myself in pictures, and I'm betting that she doesn't, okay maybe she still does, but that's beside the point, or is it?

I measure my Cheerios, damn, I've been eating more than a normal portion and my milk is almost twice the desired amount. Okay, good data point, keep going. My goal for over a year has been to break into the 160's, I'll take 169.5. All those 12 hour days and 4 flights of stairs I ran up and down in Florida have provided me with an unexpected bonus, I am closer than ever to meeting that goal. So I figure if my sister (who never counted a calorie in her life) can do it, so can I.

Realistically, I know I'll probably still wince when I see photos of myself. Heck, I wince at other people's plastic surgery faces. Most look frightenly freakish. Is that what I want? I'm guessing that wincing might just come with the aging territory. All my wisdom had to accumulate somewhere. I glance in the mirror, I'm pretty sure it's in my chins. I feel a lot smarter now.

Your Hidden Talent

Laughter was what our 3-day girlfriend cruise to Ensenada was all about, that and friendship. We laughed so much our stomachs hurt like we’d done 1000 crunches or what we think that might feel like of course none of us really know.

I brought along a “Chat Pack” of cards with questions to use to spark conversations. We also copied some questions off our Southwest free drink coupons like “What is your pet peeve? The back of the card suggested after people answered to start doing their pet peeve.

We discovered that we hate it when people are late, say “where are you at?” bite their nails, act mean and five other things I can’t remember. It never failed to get a laugh when any one of us started to do something from the list or pointed out a nail bitter in the crowd.

Another question was “What is one thing that you can do that no one else here can do?” We had one person who could tie a cherry stem with her tongue, I blog, one claimed to be the fastest at teeth flossing, another had the private number of a celebrity that she could call to party with (hint initials K.R.). It sparked a lot of entertaining conversations.

Laughter IS the best medicine (that and white wine). Laugh till it hurts is a good motto, but we didn’t stop there. Children laugh all the time, adults wait for something funny to happen. Let’s change that!

Make me laugh, tell me your hidden talent.

The Future is Now

I put a picture on my vision board of a man and woman sitting cross-legged on opposite ends of a sofa typing on laptop computers. At the top of the picture, I attached a pre-printed caption “I am in partnership with the universe” and underneath in black sharpie marker I wrote “Work with Bob.”

When I wrote this I was thinking about some grand, amazing project in the future. But as we worked together and sorted through the process of buying our home in Panama City Beach (PCB), I realized I already had what I was wishing for.

Neither of us had classical buyers remorse, but in the beginning, I had nights where the knots in my stomach begged the question “are you sure?” In the middle of the night, I found myself crawling to Bob's side of the bed for reassurance. Bob ALWAYS had my answers. He reminded me of all the sound logic we used making the decision and when his his doubts came I answered them, just as he had for me.

Bob and I ARE in true partnership. Whenever I need one he is my rock and whenever he needs one I am his. A valuable, unspoken rule in our relationship is “no mutual freak outs.” We take turns.

This new phase of our lives has reconnected us and reminded us of all the things that make our partnership work. What a gift! The end of April we celebrate our 29th wedding anniversary. We are THE A-TEAM and we “pity the fool” that tries to get in our way!

Left, Right, Left, Right

It has been far too long since my pen touched paper or more appropriately my fingers touched the keyboard and I shared my thoughts.

What a whirlwind! Our February trip to Panama City Beach turned into mission to buy a second home. We closed escrow Thursday on a fabulous place by the sea (okay the Gulf). We are so excited to own a place where we can be close to Matt, Sarah, and baby-to-be and have beautiful weather and breathtaking views.

Life DOES come down to the details. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. Our mission became to find our dream place in time to use a loan product set to expire the following week. All that was left after that was to navigate our way through the entire process. That's all!

People think that to achieve something you have to know how to do it before you start. Although some knowledge is helpful, most times we learn how to do things by simply doing them. Every day we put one foot in front of the other and tackle the details until all the steps are taken and the job is complete and voila, SUCCESS!

The Hokey Pokey

I’m doing the hokey pokey. I stick my right foot in and take my right foot out, but I never get to the part where I put my whole self in.

“That’s sad” I say to myself. Then I add “MOST people don’t even put a foot in,” to which I counter “you are NOT most people.” Huh, this argument sounds familiar.

It’s in there, I know it is, I discovered it a while ago. What do I get from holding it back, security? What will I gain from being fearless and unleashing it? I will be ALL in…no more hokey pokey.

Would I give you a kidney?

That’s when you know you have cracked into my inner-most sanctum. The holiest of all holy places….that is if you need a kidney.

It is probably inappropriate, okay no probably about it, inappropriate to evaluate friendships and acquaintances this way. But simply saying “I’ve got your back” or “I’d go to the wall for you” is too vague for me. I'd give you a kidney says it all, no wiggle room.

Some who have earned a spot on my “kidney list” would surprise you, like my old cleaning lady Maxine. At sixty-five, she could clean circles around me and was one of the kindest, most hard-working individuals I have ever met. Her advanced age made her addition to the list even more notable, because she may have taken me up on it. But I loved her. I cried when I left her behind in Columbus and moved here.

If you have my enduring love, chances are good that you are on the “kidney list” (BTW it’s a mental list). I do pray nightly for everyone on the list. I pray that you are well and that your kidneys never fail!

Footnote #1: I wrote this “tongue-in-cheek” because I’m always saying “willy-nilly” that I would give a kidney to this person or that person. When I read this piece of writing to my husband he thought it was serious and sweet. How did you take it???? And more importantly do you think my marriage has a chance?????? :)

Footnote #2: The easiest way to respond is to click “leave a comment.” Then in the box write your comment and sign it so I know who you are. Then type in the word verification and select the “Anonymous” box, then click “publish your comment.” Hope to hear from you. Caren

My New Year’s Resolution for 2009 is

To stop over-achieving. It’s showing up in everything I do from writing an email to making food for parties. For some crazy reason, I seem to always “go the extra mile” and then one more for good measure. At times this can be good, but as an overall strategy for living, bad.

Sometimes, it is “the thought that counts.” I don’t have to type perfect emails or say perfect things or make the most creative dishes for EVERY party. Parties are about people not about perfect dishes and life is about connecting not about perfect wishes.

So, in 2009, I will “stop and smell the roses,” remember to enjoy being a gracious guest, and let other people lead me sometimes. I will replace my need to get everything right with an acceptance that I am all right, just the way I am. Ahhhh, that sounds really good to me right now.

You could say posting this on my blog before noon on New Year’s Day sparks of over-achieving, and I might have to agree with you. But hey, it’s day one and I’m going to cut myself a little slack. See it’s working already!