Maybe Someday

I’ll have a terracotta tile floor” I say as I watch the kitchen makeover on HGTV. I admit I thrive on a fair amount of change and blossom when made over.

Let's start with my hair, constantly changing. It grows like a weed and experiences color changes as rapid as a chameleon except unlike a chameleon it stands out from its environment instead of blending in. My stylists love my boldness. For me it’s just hair, a renewable resource, why not try crazy. Sure I've gone too far a time or two. But if you never go too far, you'll never know what you're capable of. Are we still talking about hair?

Never been much of a blender myself. The only time I move with the herd is if it's going at a break neck speed with its hair on fire. Otherwise, I separate from the crowd and fly solo, gliding on the warm air currents in and out of the clouds, blazing my own path, at my own speed. Sometimes I do brave things that seem crazy like fly straight up in the air as far as I can, then flying full speed toward the ground pulling up at just the right moment to avoid disaster. Okay, I don’t actually do that, but I have seen humming birds do it, some kind of mating ritual or maybe their sugar water has fermented. But I do something that feels very similar.

I dive in head first, eyes wide open, multi-colored locks flowing in the breeze my splash creates. I talk about what excites me, what I care about. I don’t wait to have all the answers to share my enthusiasm. I take risks right out in the open. I fly straight up in the air for all to see and sometimes for good measure I fly full speed toward the ground drawing frightened stares from worried onlookers. At the last moment, I pull up and experiencing an incredible “roller coaster feeling" in my gut that reminds me I can soar.

My Own Personal Nirvana

Recently, I got caught up in my own expectations of how things should be and was trying to make things happen my way and temporarily lost the lesson of accepting “what is.” Instead I resisted and denied and in the process lost my opportunity to experience the present moment.

I am happy to report I am back on track having relearned yet another lesson. Relearning lessons seems to be a common, human experience. The good news is that with each relearned lesson comes a gift, a spark of insight that enriches our understanding of life.

When I can accept “what is” it centers me, I feel at one with the universe and I experience a peace and contentment unrivaled. No wonder I was so distraught when I lost it.

When I was resisting “what is” I felt powerless and out of control, like a stranger to myself. But when I stepped back and could see the part my resistance was playing, I was free to change it.

When I accept “what is” my world hums and sings out loud. I am right where I am suppose to be doing just what I am supposed to do, my own personal nirvana.

When the Going Gets Tough

Being able to accept discomfort without trying to escape it is good for us, especially if we want to stop repeating the same life lessons over and over again. We need to brave-up, woman-up or man-up (depending on your gender) and allow ourselves to feel it, live it, and stay with it, whatever ‘IT” might be. Only then can we gain a true understanding of “IT” and a chance to resolve “IT.”

We use clichés like “when the going gets tough, the tough get going.” But instead of digging in and working hard, our society literally “gets going” and moves on to a new thing. We also go to our "happy place” to escape. Both strategies work for a while, but they focus our attention away from what’s bothering us and offer us no space for learning and no chance for reconciliation.

No doubt fully experiencing your feelings is uncomfortable. Most of us are wired to avoid pain. When I’m crying I want to stop crying, when I am in pain I want out of pain, when I am anxious, I want to stop being anxious but when I stop without accepting and understanding the root of those feeling, I am just putting a Bandaid on a leaky dam that will eventually break open again and again.

When I tried this myself I have to admit my symptoms did seem worse at first. I think that’s what stops us, we think we are making ourselves feel bad, but in reality the depth of our feelings were always there, we are just masters at masking them. Two things I know for sure about life “you can’t make people like you, they do or they don’t, and you can’t make yourself feel something, you do or you don’t.”

So the next time you have uncomfortable feelings, live with them, invite them to stay a little longer, each time increasing the time. Recognize them as your teacher and learn from them. You WILL feel uncomfortable, but you WILL survive, that I know for sure, too.

Revelation vs. Revolution

It amazes me how easy it is for some people to blame other people for all of their problems. How do they manage not to see that THEY are common denominator, THEY are the constant, THEY are the one determining their own outcomes.

When faced with challenges many people move on, run away. But when we run away without addressing our problems, they eventually catch up with us, dooming us to repeat the same lessons over and over again. Next time you're faced with a problem and you are thinking about moving on, try “moving in” instead.

Moving inward on a journey of self exploration. It requires finding inner stillness, what Eckhart Tolle refers to as your “listening space.” This inner space contains no judgment, expectation, or blame. It rewards you with abundance, awareness, and a light that allows your imperfect beauty to shine.

Sometimes when I wander a little too far off my spiritual path, I look inward and focus on the present moment and all it has to teach me and I quickly find my way back. There is no running away for me, I chose a revelation over a revolution every time.

Finding Caren

I searched my entire life to discover “who I am.” Not the “who” everybody thinks I am, but the “who” that I know myself to be. Why is this question such a mystery to me? Do I really not know “who I am?”

I have chosen and played many roles in my life but the “real me” comes from a place deep inside myself where when I act from I feel perfectly aligned and my spirit soars.

I move effortlessly, joyfully not fighting my inner compass, letting its knowing wisdom guide my step. I relax and ride the gentle breezes that carry me in the direction of my heart. I celebrate myself by accepting and loving "who I am."

I found myself, see I'm right here.

J.I.C. Just In Case

you were wondering, I have defeated the projection alarm clock. For two weeks it has worked continuously, so I am declaring victory. I bet you will all sleep just a little better tonight knowing that. Sweet Dreams!

Tip of the Iceberg

After reading The Joy Luck Club by Amy Tan, I was struck (like by a two-by-four in the head) by the discrepancy between how much the mothers and daughters in the novel thought they “knew” about each other, their lives, experiences, and motives compared to how little they actually did.

I started to wonder what I really “know.” I think we can “know” ourselves, but can we ever really “know” someone else?

We come to know ourselves through concerted effort and mountains of awareness and soul-searching. To get there we explore a chamber of our hearts rarely visited, our “feeling memories,” where the essence of “who we are” the real us lives, no edits, no omissions, no retouches.

To truly “know” another person would require accessing that place in them, and I doubt that is possible. What we end up “knowing” about another person is what we see with our eyes and interpret or what we are told. Even when the other person themselves does the telling, the picture is never complete, it comes in snippets, threads that we weave together to form our picture of them.

Next time I think that I “know” something, especially if on the surface it looks “black and white.” I will open my heart and remember that the colors are there, just beyond my view, and remind myself that what I'm seeing may just be the “tip of the iceberg.”