Clue Train, Toot Toot

My life is like a crossword puzzle. Some answers fill in quickly others take time to figure out. One across, or over as my mom likes to call it, “what you were born to do?” Easy one, “write.” One down, three letters beginning with “w” “one of you best qualities,” again easy, “wit.”

I sometimes carry a crossword puzzle around for weeks picking it up from time to time, solving it bit by bit, finding even one answer that before eluded me a celebrated victory.

I solve the puzzle of my life in much the same way. Some answers fill easily as other clues are being solved. Others require more time. When only a few obscure clues remain in my crossword puzzle, I reach out to Google. Some call this cheating, I call it research, help in finding my answers.

Google isn't magic, the answers don’t appear just because I type in the clue. What fun would that be? Most times I need to turn a clue upside down, or think of it another way and with a little luck eventually I'll find my answer.

Right now, I’m looking for a plum variety four letters beginning with “GA_ _.” Google, oh Google, where are you? In the crossword of my life, the clue I’m trying to solve is seven letters “having it all.” Could it be “success” “balance” “victory” or something yet to be discovered? I don't think Google can help me with this one.

Cloudy With a Chance of Coughing

I just returned from Urgent Care with a diagnosis of Bronchitis moving into Pneumonia. Two breathing treatments, one cortisone shot, one antibiotic, one prescription cough medication, and an inhaler later, I’m hoping to feel REAL GOOD soon!

Five Signs Caren is REALLY, REALLY Sick!

1. Personal grooming slides – Hair unwashed for six days smashed and matted to the back of my head in a circular pattern most commonly seen in nursing home patients (apologizes to nursing home patients).

2. Nightly crying jags – Things are so dismal after 10 pm. I know I’m not right but I can’t figure out how to make me right. So I cry. It actually makes me feel better.

3. Loss of appetite – Can be seen as a blessing or a curse. But the kicker is that nothing tastes right. That might not have stopped me in the past, but it now gives me pause. I’m simply not hungry, must be the meds.

4. Canceling social engagements – I had to un-invite ten people due to come to my house today for beach house brunch. BUMMER!!!! I not only will miss seeing everyone, I will be eating eggs every day until I return to California.

5. Loss of spunkiness – Not calling people on their crap. It just takes way to much energy.

But there was a glimmer of hope today, after my shot and second breathing treatment Bob was spouting some “wisdom” about decongestants and I said “you don’t know that” to which he replied “Somebody's feeling better.” Touche!

Falling in Love with Yourself is FOREVER

Spend this Valentine’s Day falling in love with YOU. Our relationships with other people can only be as highly evolved as our relationship with ourselves. It’s like a bank account you’ve got to put love in to be able to take love out. So if you find yourself unattached this Valentine Day or even if you are attached consider taking Self-Love 101 at “YOU University” where YOU are the student and the teacher.


SELF-LOVE 101 - Ten surfire ways to master self-love.

1. Acknowledge Yourself - You’re perfect just the way you are right now – not ten pounds from now, not a new job from now, not a different anything from now. Explore, accept, and love the gift that you are just by being you.
   
2. Cast Off Old Tapes – You know the ones. The ones you’ve been hearing since childhood about who you are. Don’t let other people’s opinions define you. Train your mind and spirit to go beyond other people’s limitations.
   
3. Affirmations Work – Find one that encourages acceptance and self-love. Affirmations are like planting seeds. They don’t look like much in the beginning, but if you tend to them they soon grow and blossom. “I love and approve of myself just as I am” is a great one by Louise Hay.
   
4. Send Outdated Beliefs Packing - Your outward experience always reflects your beliefs about yourself. If you want to change the outside; you’ve got to start on the inside.
   
5. L.I.G. Let-It-Go – Forgive yourself for ALL your past transgressions. Like Dr. Phil says “If we knew better, we’d do better.” Wipe your slate clean. Nobody’s perfect. Compassion and forgiveness begins and ends with you.
   
6. Observes Don’t Judge – Judging and criticizing other people also means that we judge and criticize ourselves. That alone is a good reason to give it up. It’s wonderful when you don’t feel the need to label a thing as “good or bad, right or wrong.” When you observe, it just “is.”
   
7. Embrace Change – This version of yourself is not permanent and neither was the one you grew up with. You can change your thoughts about who you are and change who you are.
   
8. Learn & Grow – Look for opportunities to try new things. It makes you and life more interesting. If you’ve always loved a thing but have never tried it, what are you waiting for?
   
9. Breathe – It makes everything better. Relax and take a deep breath. On the inhale say to yourself “I am” and on the exhale say “loving.”
   
10. Practice, Practice, Practice – We think we learn something and then it’s over, “BAM” we know it. But we learn by doing, by repeating a thing, sometimes over and over and over and over.

Applaud your learning and give yourself an "A" just for taking the course. Loving yourself, respecting and appreciating you is the most powerful thing a person can do. When we fall in love with other people they can leave us, but when we fall in love with ourselves, IT'S FOREVER!

The Pearl

When did “present moment living” take up residence? I’m not certain. During the past two years it’s dropped in and visited. Unexpectedly at first, but a welcome surprise of unparalleled experience. It’s like the infatuation stage of love. Everything looks different, smells different, tastes different, colors shine brighter, meaning becomes obvious, street signs look foreign and new, the world opens before your eyes in a way it has never done before. Did I mention the peacefulness? Oh it is truly blissful I’ll even say “to die for.” Turns out you don’t have to.

I want it to stay forever when it comes, but like a rootless drifter it arrives and leaves on its own schedule. Eventually, I do start sensing its pending arrival. I notice the signs and start inviting it with my best “come hither” and am blessed with remarkable experiences of vividly amazing days that eventually grow into weeks. But still it continues to slip away in the night without so much as a post-it note. But now my unpredictable houseguest/friend has officially moved in and I couldn’t be happier, seriously, no seriously! Its presence is glaringly obvious this holiday season.

I no longer argue with the reality of “what is.” Bob had surgery. I’m not a hero or superhuman. Yes, I am brave and happy for that. But I don’t have to attach a story to it, I simply experience it, lived it, and it’s manageable. Just like not going home for Christmas. Several times, I have been tempted to attach a story to it like that “for fifty-seven years I've spent the holidays with my family” making it BIG. But when I'm present and experience it without a story, it’s not big or sad. It’s actually very peaceful. Like the oyster, I have rubbed up against enough sand that a metamorphosis has occurred and something beautiful has been created inside of me. I always thought acceptance involved the surrendering of your power. It turns out that it involves the surrendering of your stories and the acceptance of your power. “Who knew?

Renaissance

I rarely see the first light of day. I’m not against it, but my natural circadian rhythm wakes me at seven thirty when the sun has made her debut and is already ascending in the morning sky. On those rare days when I do occasion a glimpse of her first rise, I know I have witnessed something truly spectacular, a birth, a new beginning.

I am seeing my own sunrise right now. On the horizon her beauty greets me more brightly each day. She emerges wondrous and whole, a perfect arc arching forward. Her appearance not coincidental, designed, desired, and now required by me. Her presence arrives as beautifully as a bird’s melodic call filling my ears with joyful songs.

It is my calling, my soul’s reach. A hand offered a hand taken, pulling me out of my past into the present where all power lives to create my future. I have answered the call and I smile now, not for the world to see, but for me.

A DIFFERENT OF HO HO HO

Just as I’ve steel myself to resist store ads that create a need that before was not there, I find myself weakly resisting my need/want to be with our families for Christmas.

This is BIG I realize as I lay in bed a little tearful upon waking this morning. I’ve spent EVERY Christmas Day that I have been on this planet (57 years) in Ohio having dinner with my mother and Bob and I have spent EVERY Christmas Eve partying with his family for 30 years. THAT”S BIG!

Bob’s sinus surgery was the impetus. No matter how many times or who I asked (even the doctor right before surgery) the answer was always the same “no travel for three weeks.” So I guess they mean it!

I accept it and even embrace it as my opportunity to change and grow. I always encourage others to “dance that dance” now it is my turn. My life has changed a lot in 57 years but my traditions haven’t.

Matt is grown now living in Florida with his own family and wonderful in-laws that love him. We’re in California new grandparents to Sophia down in Florida with a second home there. I think it’s time to challenge our habits and examine our traditions to find the best way to fit EVERYONE we love in. It is as HARD as you can imagine it would be.

All you people in Ohio, don’t fear, I’m already missing you and the holiday isn’t even here yet. You ARE and always will be an important piece of my life. I love you! But creating a life and traditions with Matt, Sarah and Sophia are important to us now, too.

A treasured place in our hearts is not as good as a spot at the table for Christmas Dinner, I realize that, but some years it may have to do. It sounds so logical when I write it, BUT boy does it yank HARD on the heartstrings.

It may not be on the same days or nights that we have celebrated with you in the past, but I hope to see you sometime every Christmas season. This year a healthy Bob IS my Christmas Wish and the place I’m devoting all of my energy. My first California Christmas.....wonder what that will bring?

My Achilles HeaI

I’m good on my feet and now I’m good to my feet, but I wasn’t always. I took them for granted. I expected them to get me from point A to point B no questions asked, until the day they didn’t.

The day that I stepped on a far too tight muscle, once too often, and pain ensued. The day that with the pain came a message, a reminder of sorts about how a single part effects the whole. The day that the awareness hit me like a freight train that healing comes in its own time on its own schedule not mine.

Now, every day, I wake up slowly languishing in bed for a few moments connecting to my body and spirit, stretching lightly from head to toe, paying special attention to my feet.

I know they intend to support me, but now EVERY DAY I remind myself it’s a two-way street, I must support them, too.